Quite a Difference

I find it so interesting that in order for me to welcome an adopted child into my home, I am asked if I have screens in all of my windows, what my childhood was like and how I dealt with my grandmothers passing away.  To welcome a biological child into my home, I only needed to produce a satisfactory car seat.  To raise a child that has a severe disability, I was simply sent on my way with a list of tests to further overwhelm me. 

Of course, I will do it, because it is so worth it, but what a difference. 

Mercies in Disguise

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise  - by Laura Story






I have heard this song before.  I love the words.  I heard it in the car twice yesterday and it spoke to me differently this time.  I found myself looking back.  Looking back at those times in my life where the bottom seemed to have fallen out and I was lying in a heap with no hope in sight.  Dark days.  Days where my very soul seemed to have been crushed and I could not catch my breath. 

I can look back on those times and see God's hand in my life during those times in such a huge way.  The devastating thing that was happening at the time was God's very best for me.  It did not feel like it was at the time.  It did not feel gracious.  It did not feel loving.  It did not feel kind, but it was.  That is the kind of God I serve.  He is the kind of God who blesses me above what I deserve. 

I immediately thought back to that day on June 11, 1993.  "He has cerebral palsy.  Any questions?" My "perfect" world was rocked to its core.  How in the world could that be what God wanted for me??  It was.  For many years, I compared. It seemed like God had given me "less" than what he had given other people.  Not who Davin was, but what he could do v. what I thought he should be doing.  It was hard to sit in the nursery.  It was hard to have a bunch of kids over to play.  Hard to go to the park.  I just thought about how "different" everything was.  I can honestly say that taking Davin to his dinner/dance last night, I felt none of that.  No regrets with what Davin can do or who he is.  Maybe it once was a blessing in disguise, but not any longer. 
God allowed my world to rock when my Daddy had a traumatic brain injury combined with a staff infection in his heart.  Life would never go back to the exact way it was.  However, in the last 8 years, I have spent a day a week with my Dad almost every single week up until moving a few months ago.  As difficult as that was, there were so many blessings. 

Sometimes it is almost as if I have in my mind where God "should" take my life and I am on my way there.  Then, he lovingly changes MY course to be his course. 

Tears...yup, I cried buckets full.  Sleepless nights....absolutely.  I am thankful that God loves me too much to give me lesser things.

A Little Dinner, A Lot of Dancing!

Yesterday when Davin got home from school, the preparations began.  I had his pants and shirt ironed.  His tie was out.  His dress shoes were ready.  He was going to his school's dinner/dance to celebrate the graduates!!  Davin could not like dancing anymore than he does!!  (I wish I had some pictures of the dance, but I was strongly encouraged not to stay.  Hmph!!)

When we picked him up he was hot and sweaty from all of the grooving he did!!


This is what Davin is doing tonight after his big night out last night!!

A Favorite Trick

Each of our Pastors over the years has been "blessed" by a different trick of Davin's.  I like to think of them as a little test for the pastor.  Frankly, it helps us to know if that is a church for us if the pastor can work through that.  If a pastor can't deal with Davin's special little tricks during the sermon, and if it makes him too distracted, then we probably shouldn't be there. 

Let's see, Pastor Vansant dealt with a lot of tricky things.  I guess one of the biggest tests was Davin bursting into tears any time there was a skit or something he thought might be scary.  We caused our share of scenes there:-)  Pastor Green put up with a lot of shouting!!!  Davin was just shy of being a teenager when we started going to Pastor Green's church and for some reason, Davin really liked people to know he was there.  We would remind him over and over again, but there was a time where we had to just stick it out and deal with his loudness.  He was taken out of a lot of services, but eventually that became the trick, so we stuck it out and things eventually got better.  Pastor Green was a trooper and never seemed to be distracted and we even joked about Davin's test for him:-)  Our new church is blessed by a trick that has been used for a long time, but sparingly.  Now, this trick has been brought to the top of the favorite list and the very best place to perform it is during the morning service at church.  (Okay, also small group:-) 

Davin's new favorite is that he loves to lift his shirt and show you his stomach.  Not just a little, either.  Now this is a quiet trick, so that is a bonus.   It is not just a shirt lift, but he also looks around to see who might be watching.  Hmm, not sure he is paying enough attention to the sermon. 

I know that he has worked very hard for his abs with all of his exercises and so I don't really blame him.  This trick is not exclusive to church, but it is used most often there.  If you come to our house, he will show you (especially if you are visiting us for the first time), when we go to doctor appointments, he likes to show the doctor.  I know what you are thinking.  What kind of mother does he have who lets him lift his shirt all during church and regularly smiles when I see it? 

Today we visited a church in York, PA.  Davin probably had his shirt up for at least half of the service.  I tried to keep on a handle on things and pull it back down, but he had a pretty tight grip, had it hiked up as far as he possibly could and felt really strongly that he should be doing that.  Oh dear;-)

My Struggle

I have been mulling this over for a while now, but lately, I feel it's grip has a much stronger hold on me than before and it is time to make a change. 

I have a lot of "free" time.  For the first time in a very long time, my days are not planned out for me by children or ministries or a job.  I can choose what I want to do.  Since finding all of this free time, the computer has kept me connecting with friends and family and I am grateful for that.  However, it has become a huge time-waster for me.  Instead of taking out a project or reading a book, I grab the computer to just check my blog or facebook or email one more time.  I am spending more and more time on it and I have not too much to show for it.  I do not want to give it up altogether (although am considering that, too), but I need to make a change. 

A friend offered to do an intervention for me:-), but I am thinking more along the lines of limiting my daily time on the computer.  I am also thinking about going off of facebook for a while, at least.  There are so many good and worthwhile things to do with my time.  Certainly one of them is to stay connected with my family and friends, but when it starts to overwhelm me, it is time for a change. 

The Next Best Thing

I think the next best thing to having my girls here is to spend time with Bethany Ann.  Some of you may recognize her:-)  Bethany and her son Josh came over for dinner tonight.  I made Josh some cookies special for him and sent him a bag full to take home and share with his Daddy.

Josh had a great time checking out Davin's wheelchair and playing with Buzz Lightyear.  Alan, Davin and Josh wrestled for a while, but Josh did not care for it when Alan was winning.  They tried thumb wrestling and that went a bit better.  Come again Josh and I will have the cookies ready for you!!  (You, too, Bethany Ann:-)

Rib Fest

Today we went to The Rib Fest with some friends.  It was such a beautiful day and we got to try some really tasty ribs.  There were 7 different rib places there and during the time we were there, you could try one of their ribs for "A Buck a Bone".  The drill was that you waited in line and got your rib and then while eating your rib, you waited in the next line.  We had a great time chatting while we were eating and my favorite of the day was the Jacked Up BBQ ribs from Forked River, NJ.   

Cheney's girlfriend Renee is here visiting us, so it was fun to take her along:-)


                                     

A Challenge

Alan challenged Cheney to arm wrestle tonight.  I thought it was a risk.  Was tonight the night that his son was stronger than he is??  Not yet:-)  He still gets to hold the title....for now;-)

Davin also wanted in on the challenge, of course!

Davin's Day in Court

He is officially ours again!!  Court went very well last week, although I was wondering in the morning when Davin and Cheney were laughing and carrying on if the judge was going to get more than he bargained for in court.  However, when the judge came in, Davin was very serious and did not make a peep. 

Before the judge came in, Davin wanted to know all about he different parts of the courtroom.  He specifically felt very strongly that he should go sit in the jury box.  He asked us if he could do that on two separate occasions.  I told him no, but later his attorney mentioned that he probably could.  No thank you.  I figured that could get him all stirred up and next thing you know he would be carrying on and lifting his shirt up.  (I don't know if I have mentioned on here, but he really loves to lift his shirt up.  When he meets someone, when he is sitting in church, at the doctor's office, anywhere really:-)  We decided that he would stay where he was and do what he was supposed to do and he was a very obedient boy. 

The judge was only concerned that we were not still NJ residents.  The only questions I had to answer were questions about this being our temporary place of residents.  Once he was satisfied, he was satisfied that we were indeed still NJ residents, he said that Davin obviously needs a guardian.  I was very thankful that I did not have to ask the questions concerning me being his guardian and taking care of him and what that requires.  I just knew that would make me very emotional and I didn't feel like I needed to bare my soul and emotions in front of the judge.  I just want my boy. He is now twice ours.  Good deal.  We will take him!!

Davin Bruce, welcome to the family again:-)

Off to Court We Go

Tomorrow we head to court with Davin to hopefully get the guardianship stuff all taken care of.  There could be some issues, so we appreciate prayers that all goes well.  I am thinking it will be an emotional day, but not really sure what to expect.  Davin's attorney assured me that nothing would be said that would hurt Davin's feelings, and that had been my biggest concern. 

Hopefully tomorrow that boy will be all ours again and we can continue to do what we have been doing for the last 18 years:-)

To Camp or Not to Camp...that is the question

I believe that Cheney was nine years old the first time he went to summer camp.  That would make Davin to have been seven.  I knew Davin would miss Cheney not being home, but I never expected his reaction at the camp.  You see, my boys slept in bunk beds.  Cheney slept on the top bunk and Davin slept on the bottom bunk at home.  When we went to get Cheney's stuff unloaded into his cabin, he chose a top bunk and we got him all set up.  I didn't notice, at first, that Davin was staring at the bottom bunk.  When we went to leave the camp, Davin was furious.  He is rarely furious.  He struggled to keep me from putting him into his car seat and he cried and cried.  I finally figured out that Davin saw that the bottom bunk under Cheney was free and he figured that must be for him.  He wanted to stay.  Davin got a camp t-shirt that day and a lot of sympathy from me.  It made sense. 

I know that Davin is a "camp kind of boy".  He loves to be outside.  He loves people.  He loves having fun.  He loves doing what everybody else is doing. 

I have thought of sending Davin to camp for quite a few years now, but it was only an idea.  My blogger friend Tracey has sent me some information about the wonderful Joni camps and highly recommended them.  I checked into those, but they were all full for our area.  I had checked into another camp as well that is in our area and they have room for Davin and now they have our deposit and we have had an interview. 

I find myself going back and forth, though.  Can I really do this?  Can I leave Davin at a camp to be cared for by people I don't know for FIVE days?  I am not sure. 

At the end of our interview, the people from the camp told me they think Davin will be an excellent fit for camp.  I told them my concerns and they sweetly said that only I can decide if I can actually send him.  Do you think they would notice me sleeping on the floor next to his bed?? 

There are so many things that Davin does not get to do.  That cannot be avoided and although he is sometimes annoyed, he really handles the disappointment well for the most part.  Camp is something that he can do, but can I let him?  My world has gotten pretty small in the last seven years as far as Davin's care is concerned.  We do not ask our parents to watch him anymore really because it is more than they can handle.  The only people that care for Davin overnight are the five of us.  I guess that is the beauty of Davin being the youngest of four kids and with him being so much smaller than they are.  Ashleigh, Bethany and Cheney all can take care of him.  I trust them completely. 

I know that some of my fears are just being overprotective and some of my fears are very real concerns.  Some of those very significant problems that I have been concerned about seem to be correcting themselves, so now I am thinking.....maybe.....?????

Scuff Marks

For the last two days, I have had to clean scuff marks off of my kitchen floor.  Instead of those scuff marks making me annoyed, they made me smile.  Those marks reminded me that my bigger boy is home now.  Sure, he brings with him some mess that we didn't have before he got here, but I will take it because he is here.  Those marks on the floor also reminded me God's provision for Cheney for the summer.  Due to Cheney's sweet friend, (who happens to be my sweet friend's son:-), Cheney came home from college on Friday and began a FULL TIME job on MONDAY!!!  In order to start the job, he had to get work boots and that is how I got the scuffs on my floor. 

Will those scuff marks still be bringing a smile to my face in the middle of July?  Perhaps not, but I hope they still remind me of God's blessings. 

A Bonus with Bigger Kids

It is Mother's Day weekend and I was so excited that 3 of my kids were going to be here for the weekend!!  I was thrilled with just preparing for that, but then....  Davin came home from school on Friday with this beautiful Mother's Day gift for his Mama:-)

Isn't it beautiful??  I love presents like this.  I have it on my porch already:-) 

Then, we headed to the airport to pick up one Cheney Alan Scott and then when we got home, Bethany pulled into the driveway and had this very special surprise for Mother's Day for me!!

She surprised me and brought Baby Rocky Balboa!!!!  I was so excited since I miss my puppy so much. 

Well, all of that was amazing, but today first thing in the morning, our doorbell rung and these were waiting for me at the door.....

I have never ever had one of the creations from Edible Arrangements and we ate it for breakfast.  Yummy and beautiful!

Next, my middle kids snuck away for a while and came back and gave me these.....

What a spoiled Mom I am!!! I was thrilled just to have most of my kids with me.  (By the way, and for the record, Ashleigh and Kevin orchestrated the Edible Arrangement:-)   I have decided that one nice thing about my kids getting bigger (because we all know I whine a lot about them being older now;-) is that they have jobs and buy me presents!!! 

Happy Mother's Day to all of my beautiful blogger friends who are Moms!!

Words

I have heard Davin speak twice in his entire 18 years of life.  He said "I love you" twice during the same car ride and if my mom and sister had not been in the car to verify it, I would have thought I had lost my mind.  That was years and years ago and I know it must seem sad to other people to think of having a non-verbal son, but I don't really think of Davin that way.  He expresses himself so beautifully and is quite bossy even. 

A couple of days ago, I asked Davin three questions in a row and he answered me either by nodding or gestures.  He did so well answering my questions so quickly and I was so proud of him for thinking everything through so quickly.  I told him he was so smart...and he ANSWERED ME OUT LOUD!!!  He said UH HUH!!!! 

Now, if your child speaks all the time, you may correct them when they say "uh huh".  I would and have:-)  But, if your child does not speak, and he says UH HUH, you go crazy!  Tears well up in your eyes and you gush over him about answering you with words. 

Thank you God for the unexpected blessings that you give me every day.

Being Awake is Probably Key

I should probably wait to discuss something so serious with Davin as segregation and the Freedom Ride until Davin is awake:-)   I was discussing this subject with him, but turned to look at him and realized he was asleep.

This is such an incredible subject to me.  How can we ever think that someone is less than someone else because of the color of their skin?  Every one of us is created in the image of God!!

Our Cares

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."  1 Peter 5:7

I once had a little girl who was often anxious.  She sucked two of her little fingers and even as she grew she continued this habit when she felt nervous or anxious.  I remember asking her one day when she was in second grade if she got embarrassed at school when she was sucking her fingers since she was now so big.  She told me that she would simply put her head under her desk so it was no worry:-) 

That little girl did stop sucking her fingers during her second grade year, but immediately took up biting her nails...another anxiety soothing activity. 

As she grew, she went to the Word, she took her cares to her Lord and Savior, but she still struggled. 

She also did some really fantastic things and was so brave, but as the end of high school drew near and decisions needed to be made about college, those anxieties came out once again.  It all ended with a Mom and Dad leaving a very angry daughter at Word of Life Bible Institute. They parted with very heavy hearts. 

Ashleigh has learned to trust and to get over her anxieties for the most part in her life. 

A few months ago, Ashleigh started having some health problems.  At first, she tried coping. She wanted to see if the problems were stress related.  Eventually she could not ignore them, and became proactive about going to doctors and having some tests done. 

I believe the computer can be a blessing and a curse at the same time.  For someone who struggles with anxiety, reading about all of the things you could possibly have can be a bit of a curse.  Being someone who is anxious at times, makes it very hard not to read all the information. 

Ashleigh has stopped reading the information online.  She also just had several tests done and they all came back negative.  The doctor who first diagnosed her with a stomach infection may or may not have been correct says a specialist.  So, what is going on?  Ashleigh is left wondering if the beginning symptoms caused her so much worry added in with the extra online information that she has become very sick. 

I often find it so funny? that with all of the temptations in the world, Satan often uses the same one on us over and over again. He doesn't always need to be very resourceful. When we are prone to a certain weakness, he can use that one over and over again. I know he has done that in my life and I find myself learning the same lessons over and over again and wonder when I will ever GET it!

So, Ashleigh will continue to try to figure out what is going on physically while at the same time trying to give everything over to the Lord and rest in His care for her.  I am proud of her. 

I am praying for you, Loubie and I love you very much!!

P.S.  Did I forget to mention that the little girl above once had a young mom who thought she was sick and was often throwing up through the night?  Later, that young mom found out it was her nerves.  How quickly I forget where I once was;-)



One Week Away

In a week, I will have one more boy under my roof:-)  I will spend the next week preparing his room, making adjustments in the apartment and getting things that he will need for the summer.  I am a firm believer that by doing these things, I encourage my kids to come home.  I want them to know that I miss them when they are not here and long for them to return!!  Let the countdown begin!  Maybe some girls will even show up next weekend to welcome their "little" brother home:-)

I Realize

I realize if I just had a regular ol' run of the mill kind of 18-year-old at my house right now, he probably would not have me read to him at bedtime.  He probably wouldn't fall asleep with his little face right next to mine while I was reading You Are Special by Max Lucado. 

I'll take it:-) 

"Eli looked at Punchinello, put his hands on those small wooden shoulders, and spoke very slowly. 
                    "Because you're mine.  That's why you matter to me." "

Remembering...

I met Angie when our kids were at Easter Seals.  Davin had been receiving therapy services there for a couple of years and one day we found out that his class (that I attended with him) was going to get a new student.  A nurse came in and explained that a mom and her little girl were coming to our class and that they had been hurt before.  We were not told what the little girl's limitations were, but we wanted to be ready for them and of course, we were curious after having an announcement made in that way.  The next week, I met Angie.  She was late.  She was always late:-)  She got there about a half hour after we started and there was this little girl slung over her arm with this long brown hair flowing over to the side.  Angie was a young mom and we immediately hit it off. 

As we sat side by side in our little class for many weeks, Angie became a close friend of mine.  We got all of our kids together outside of Easter Seals.  She had two older children and I had three.  We developed traditions together.  Every time one of us would leave the other's house, we would drive over an egg or tomato and our kids thought this was a hoot. 

I got to know this little girl Francis.  Francis could not walk or talk or sit up or see or smile.  But..you never doubted for one minute that you should love Francis.  I watched how Angie took care of her baby girl and how she loved her and I knew that I should love Francis, too.  I learned how to hold Francis and where to place my arms around her head.  Angie left me in charge while she ran to the store and I begged Francis to be a good girl and not have any seizures while her Mommy was gone because I wasn't so good with seizures;-)  She obliged. 

Davin loved Francis.  Angie loved Davin.  I had a friend in this new world of disabilities and therapy and all that it brought with it. 

15 years ago, I got a phone call from Angie telling me that Francs had passed away.  She was 3 1/2.  I told Angie that I would be there the next day.  Our family packed up and headed to NJ.  As I drove to Angie's house, I cried.  I prayed.  I wondered what in the world I was going to say to my dear friend who had just lost her perfect, perfect baby girl.  When I arrived, Angie told me that I would be going with her over to the funeral home to view Francis' little body.  I wondered how in the world I could do that and yet felt so blessed that Angie would have me share such a private and excruciating moment with her and her family. 

So, 15 years ago, the day after Easter, we said goodbye to a little girl whose life on earth was short, but whose impact was so big.  I learned so much about worth from both Francis and from watching Angie's life.  I learned about unconditional love and gained just a little bit more understanding of how unconditional God's love is for me. 

Today I remember a little girl who walked into my world slung over her mom's arm. 

You Should Put Me in the Zoo

Yesterday, Bethany and I packed up Davin and headed for the Philadelphia Zoo.  We met Ashleigh there with the twins that she babysits.  We had a fun day!  It is always a good day when I get to spend time with my kids.  Even though one was missing, it was still a good day!

Davin was mostly interested in watching the baby girls, though.  One of the twins loved sitting with Davin and he thought that was pretty fantastic!  They are adorable and were such good girls.  I think the best part was getting to watch Ashleigh take care of them.  She does such an excellent job with them and I was so proud of her. 

Tomorrow

Tomorrow Davin will be having an MRI.  It will be the first time he will be sedated since his surgery and all of the respiratory problems that followed that time.  I KNOW it is different.  I KNOW that.  I do.  I know having a five hour major surgery and being put into a spika cast is a far cry from being sedated for an MRI.   Maybe I am still just a little bit nervous. 

Be still, my soul...He is.

Interesting Dinner Conversation

It is not just any restaurant that you can go into and talk (loudly) to a lady who has just come from the hospital after chopping the end of her finger off and also get the play by play from a man (also loudly) who just got released from the hospital days ago (Saturday to be exact) after a very serious hernia operation.  I can give you the size of his wound, the hospitals where each of them were seen and treated.  I can tell you the length of his stay in the hospital and even what time his surgery was.

While I was sitting trying to eat my dinner, but also engaging in conversation with my new friends, who at one point were almost in a competition for my attention and had my head swinging back and forth, I thought about how interesting it must be for any other patrons in the restaurant to have to listen to medical stories through dinner.  Thankfully there were only 2 other people sitting at tables for part of our conversation.  It is a tiny restaurant, though, and certainly if you were in there, you were part of the conversation.

Only in the Mills??  I doubt it.  People everywhere want to be heard.  They want to know that someone cares about what they have just been through.  I really was happy to listen, but would have preferred being entirely done with my dinner first as I am not a huge fan of medical stuff.

Oh, and our goodbyes....our gentleman friend came over to our table and wished us well while reiterating a few points made previously.  While he was standing there with our full attention, our new lady friend came up behind him and mouthed something with an annoyed look.  I am assuming she was annoyed that he was talking so much and had cut her off.  (Our gentleman friend had won the competition for my attention earlier.  I couldn't help it.  He was in the middle of a sentence when she started talking.)  Finally both of our new friends took their leave and surprisingly I could not eat another bite;-)

Ahhh.... French Fries

I cannot say how much I love french fries.  (Something I share with one of the readers of this blog and you know who you are;-)  It is probably the one food that I could eat every single day.  If I am going to go into a restaurant or go through a drive through and just get one thing, that is it.  Love them. 

Since becoming intentional with my eating, I have intentionally steered clear of french fries.  I went to McDonald's to meet a friend and got no french fries.  Just a fruit parfait:-)  I have gotten sandwiches and opted to not have fries. 

But today.....today I let myself have some.  They were good.  They were really good and you know what?  I think I appreciated having french fries even more because I don't usually eat them now.  For the first time maybe ever.....I left a whole bunch on my plate!! 

What is your absolute favorite food?  Good or bad??

A Little Trick

If you think my boy isn't a smart one, then you don't know him well.  For the last week, Davin has been asking to go to bed pretty stinkin early.  I figured out days ago that he wanted to go to bed to avoid exercises that we do at night.  Today he asked to go to bed at 4:58 pm, so I put him to bed:-)  I really do crack myself up sometimes.  I didn't make him stay in there for the night, but talked on and on about how he wanted to go to bed.  He hadn't even had dinner yet, but was very happy to lay in there in his bed even after I left the room.  What some boys will do to get out of exercises!

The Birthday Boy

Happy Birthday to the love of my life, Alan Scott.  I am so blessed to be on this journey with you.

Intentional (Take #2)

I am not a rigid schedule person, nor am I a huge fly-by-the-seat of my pants.  I rest pretty comfortably in the middle.  Since marriage and motherhood got off to a very early start for me and I went right from high school into my new life, I found myself always busy.  I never set huge goals for myself because I concentrated on figuring what needed to happen next. 

Since moving to NY is a temporary move with a specific amount of time, it caused me to think about this next year.  My life at this point is pretty quiet, and I knew moving here with just one kid in my house, no job and apartment living would free up lots and lots of time. I began to think about what I would do with it all.  So, unlike me, I made some bigger goals.  They are not all huge, but I spent quite a bit of time thinking about what I wanted this next year to look like.  I became intentional about this next year. 

One of my goals has been to get in shape.  I had really let things get out of control in this area of my life and besides the fact that I would like to feel good about the way I look and feel, I have someone counting on me being able to lift him and care for him for a long, long time.  I intentionally decided to make some changes in my life where fitness and eating was concerned.  So, intentionally, I start exercising every weekday as soon as I put Davin on the bus.  It has been six weeks now:-)  Along the way, I have picked up a ruggedly good-looking exercise partner (Alan) and two super cute new workout outfits.  Those were not intentional, but sure have encouraged me to continue on.  I have intentionally changed the way I eat.  You all know I was practically being force-fed wheat rolls and bread at my every turn, so I guess I decided to stop kicking and screaming and just join in:-)  I have intentionally cut my calories way down.  I think about what I am eating and intentionally look at labels and calories. 

I am being intentional about my devotions.  I have a time and a place for them and they almost always happen now.  Why has it taken me so long to get this under control?  I am being intentional about it now and it makes a huge difference!

I also had four scrapbooks to complete this year.  I intentionally completed my first project about a month ago and have three more to go.  I need to pick up the pace with this goal.  I need to intentionally have one day a week where that is my focus because I have the time and the energy to do that at this point.  Life will not always be this slow, but for now, God is giving me a rest and I am thankful.  I do miss the busyness of life, but I am so thankful for the rest knowing that He cares for me.

Oh yeah, there is one more rather big goal.....we have intentionally decided to expand our family.  After many years of feeling God tugging on our hearts to adopt, we feel very called that now is the time!!!  We specifically feel called to adopt a sibling group and are starting the process.  I will share more about this on my other blog Always Room for More, but we are so excited!!  Oh, and we are so scared!!!  I go in between quite frequently, but have such a peace knowing that this is the path we are to walk at this time. 

  "Wherever you are, be all there."  - Jim Elliot

I read this quote yesterday and just loved it.  I have found myself telling my children something similar in reguards to texting and answering their phones all the time.  I think they are missing out on the moments where they are.  Be where you are.  You are missing things around you by being so distracted by other things. 

I need this advice, too.  Worrying can take me out of the present.  I can miss out on so much.  I can be thinking about what needs to be done, what I am making for dinner, difficulties with my children, financial problems.  I can think that the grass is greener somewhere else. 

   "Wherever you are, be all there." 

Just an FYI

Just to let you know, that same boy who snuggled in with me yesterday and fell asleep on my lap.....well, later when he was feeling rested and we had some company....he firmly moved me out of the way as I sat next to him and was apparently in his way and he could not see his sister and her friend Jen:-)  Well, the moment I had with him earlier was just that....a moment;-)

A Moment

Davin was tired today and the house was quiet.  He asked to get out of his chair and onto the couch.  I ran around and did a few more things as he asked repeatedly.  Finally, I scooped him up and instead of putting him onto the couch, I sat him on my lap.  He melted onto me and I watched his big blue eyes close.  I sat there and thought how precious this time was.  I am still getting moments like this with my 18 year-old.  I smelled his hair and kissed his head and looked at his sweet face.  I found myself so thankful.  Thankful for the extra time to hold him close and let him fall asleep on my lap.  I was not able to be sad that Davin won't go to college next year (besides we all know he did not like college;-), that he isn't driving and that I am not running off to watch him play basketball.  I was just thankful for the sweet time with my boy.  I tried to start to imagine how things will be when Davin is 35 and my mind just would not let me go there.  Just like I could not begin to imagine Davin being 18, when he was a tiny little 6 year-old, God just doesn't let me go there.  For now, for today, I just rest in this moment.  I will snuggle with my boy and hold him close and enjoy him sleeping on me. 

The Tricky Part

I love my kids.  I have loved every stage and age they have been.  Different ages have different pluses and minuses.  Being a parent of young adult kids is a very tricky/challenging/amazing time.  You give advice when asked, but bite your tongue when not asked (okay, or at least try).  You are a BIG cheerleader!  It is so hard sometimes because I am an adult and they are adults.  Sometimes things are said that should not have been said.  Sometimes feelings are hurt.  When everyone is an adult, it is not always clear who is right and who is wrong.  When your children are young, it is so different. 

Wading our way through these years is such a blessing as we watch our kids strive to walk with their Savior.  It is also a hard, hard time trying to figure out our new, or not-so-new roles.   

Preparations!

I am having a very special guest this weekend!  She used to live with me all the time.  I held her when she cried, braided her hair, drove her to many, many softball games and loved her from the moment she was born (probably even before that:-).  Bethany is coming for the weekend and I am so excited!!  I miss her (and Ashleigh) so much and am really looking forward to having her here for a couple of days!  Today I got the house cleaned and am looking foward to making her favorite cookies and getting her room ready.  Maybe she will even bring a cute little dog with her:-)

The Ugly

Sometimes I get tired of doing the same thing every morning.  Sometimes I am short with Davin and I do not appreciate his lack of helpfulness in the dressing process.  Sometimes, I get tired of pulling his arms to get his shirt on.  Sometimes I get tired of him coughing food on me during breakfast....again.  This morning was one of those times.  I wasn't feeling great and my patience was low.  By the time Davin had his coat on and was ready for school, he was looking at me with a look that said "mom, why are you mad at me?".  That got me.  I explained I wasn't mad at him, but would appreciate if he helped more. 

Tomorrow is a new day.  Same routine, but hopefully better attitude:-)  I am thankful for new days and truthfully, I am thankful for the same old routine.... most days;-)

Part of His Journey

When Cheney Alan was born, I feared that God would take him from me.  It was not a fear I had felt when either of my girls were born.  At some point in my life, there was a nagging fear in my head, that if I had more children, they would not all be healthy.  When Davin was born, things seemed perfect.  Too perfect.  I remember looking over the side of his crib and thinking that everything was too perfect.  Something was not right.  Davin had some trouble eating and I spoke to the nurse several times about it and she told me I had a good baby and to enjoy him.  Oh, I did enjoy him. 

For some reason, that year, getting Christmas pictures was extremely important to me.  All of the kids had to have coordinating outfits.  I think somehow I knew that this picture was going to be "my perfect life".  That brief moment in time when I thought everything was the way I wanted it to be.  Four beautiful, healthy children. 

Davin went to his 2 month check-up and his 4 month check-up and passed with flying colors.  Soon after that, I started wondering when Davin was going to "uncurl".  You know how newborns are very curled up like they are in the womb, but then they start stretching out?  I began noticing that Davin did not move his arms.  They were basically stuck to his sides.  I started moving them up every single night and praying. 

Davin went for his 6 month check-up and I asked some questions.  I voiced concerns about his arms.  The doctor told me that it would not be anything neurological since his legs appeared to be fine, so I should just take him home and watch him for a few weeks.  I believe I made it for one week and then called and asked to see my pediatrician.  (We had seen a different pediatrician for Davin's 6 month.) 

My pediatrician examined Davin and referred us to Easter Seals.  He told me he did not think it was neurological, but if I was offered the chance to have Davin see a neurologist, I should take that opportunity.  We had our first evaluation with a PT.  We were brand new to this world and I did not want much to do with it!  Now I realize that our PT, Jane, knew exactly what the problem was with Davin, but she could not tell us.  She told me that Davin needed to see a neurologist and my pediatrician's office helped us set up an appointment so we could get in earlier.  We met with a social worker who told me he was sure Davin just needed some arm exercises and he would be fine. 

What happened next is to me the day that changed my life.  But, it really wasn't the day that changed my life.  It was just the day that my perception of my life changed. 

On June 11, 1993, my mother-in-law drove Davin and I to Jefferson Hospital in Philadelphia.  We met with a neurologist there.  He examined Davin and kept saying good, good, good.  I figured it must be going well!  He asked me lots of questions.  (Later I would know I will be answering those SAME questions for forever!)  At the end of the exam (which I thought was going well), he looked at me and asked if anyone had ever put a name to this for us.  I said no.  He told me that Davin had cerebral palsy and did I have any questions.  He said it that flatly.  Just the facts.  I had only one question for him at the time.  I asked if Davin would be able to walk and the doctor told me that he probably would.  I kept myself together, paid my bill and walked out of there. 

I remember getting to the elevator and having a really hard time holding it together.  I am not a big crier, so I did not care to be sobbing in the doctor's office (although I would later be sobbing all kinds of places:-).  I was able to keep it together as long as my MIL didn't say anything to me.  We got to her truck and she asked how I was doing.  That was it!!  I lost it.  I put my baby boy in his car seat.  My MIL prayed with me and off we went.  I now had to go tell my husband that our baby boy probably had CP.  (There was no specific test for CP, so we had to have some other tests done to rule out anything else.)

My MIL drove me to Alan's office and I went upstairs.  His secretary saw me and asked how the baby was.  Remember the sobbing I was about to do?  Of course, it is much better to have a hysterical crying fit in a business office than in a neurologist's office;-)  The secretary quickly went to get Alan and I remember him coming out and me just barely getting the words out and Alan suggesting we go somewhere else.  He held me and I cried and cried.  We then went and picked up our other children from friends' houses. 

I remember being at our home and just feeling crushed.  My everything felt shattered.  Nothing was the same.  Nothing.  I had to call my Mom.  She had a feeling it was going to be that.  I had to call my sister.  She cried with me.  My MIL called my SIL.  She handed me the phone and told me she thought I would want to tell her, but I had had enough. 

Alan and I sat on the couch together.  We were just absorbing.  How could our world be rocked this much?  Then, Alan said the wisest thing he has ever said.  It changed everything for me.  Well, it started to, anyway.  Alan asked me if Davin was any different today than he was yesterday.  Brilliant.  No, he wasn't.  Yesterday, Davin had CP, but I just didn't know it.  Today he has CP and I know it now.  He was still my baby.  He was still the same baby that we had brought home from the hospital and loved and loved. 
Looking back, I can remember God bringing so many things in my way to make me think about people with disabilities.  It seemed like there was something on the subject on television if I watched, if I went to hear a speaker...everywhere!!  I was turning off channels, walking out of rooms, and just saying no.  If God was preparing me, I was not hearing it!!  I would not.  That had nothing to do with my life.  I also did not know it at the time, but God would not let my Mom pray for Davin to be a healthy baby any longer.  She was still able to pray for him, of course, but not that he would be "healthy".

I have learned so much since then.  Not about CP.  About me.  About Davin.  About my God.  About a brother who thought his little brother might be faking so he would get toys from the therapists.  About sisters who were willing to get into a fight on the bus to defend their little brother and who fought over who was going to hold him until he was probably 10.  About a husband who adores a boy who isn't perfect by the world's standards.  About perfection.

A Hot Date:-)

Since moving to Rochester, and not having our older kids here, we do not go out very often without Davin.  Tonight will be one of those rare times.  Alan is taking me to the theatre.  We used to be members at this theatre when we lived here before and it was always something we enjoyed very much.  All of our kids were big enough to stay home and watch each other and they always looked forward to our nights out, too. 

Apparently Five Days Is All It Takes

I went away for five days back in January.  My sister and I were going on a scrapbook retreat and I had to travel to get there.  I left Davin in the very capable hands of his Dad.  When I got back, Davin nearly jumped out of my arms to get back to Alan.  Really?  How many times has Alan gone away?  I could not even count. 

Over the years, I had been Davin's primary "feeder", and Alan fed Davin dinner.  7 years ago, that all changed and I became Davin's only "feeder".  I have fed him nearly every meal in the last 7 years, although school does do lunch when he is there. 

While I was away for those five days, Alan started putting water into Davin's ensure when it got near to the bottom of the cup.  When I got home and started feeding Davin, Alan let me know that he had started doing this for Davin.  (So??  I have been feeding him for the last 18 years!  I don't really need pointers, but thanks:-)   Don't you know that Davin has insisted on having water put into his cup when his drink gets to be almost gone ever since I left for those 5 short days??  This morning, I forgot and did not have water on the table while I was feeding him.  He simply refuses to drink and directs me to get the water.  He can not possibly drink it any other way anymore!! 

How can you be so bossy and yet be non-verbal at the same time?  Davin could teach a class on it.  I am sure of it!

My Loubie

My oldest daughter, Ashleigh, is getting ready to begin a new journey.  For the last few years, Ashleigh has worked very hard getting into fantastic shape and eating healthy.  She has encouraged others around her to do the same.  It is contagious. 

In a few months, Ashleigh will head back to school.  Although Ashleigh attended college for several years, she just never quite got the passion.  She wasn't quite sure what she really wanted to do and now she knows.  Ashleigh is going back to school to become a personal trainer.  I am so excited for her!!  (and for me since she helps me every day with my new routine:-) 

I was just talking with her today about her plans and how everything is going to work out and I know it will be a sacrifice, but I also know she has found her niche!!  I am so proud of this girl.  Not because she is going back to school, but for the young woman she has become. 

A Change in Plans

It seemed like my children were all in cahoots with each other.  While everyone was growing up, it seemed that if I had a special day planned, I could say to myself "someone is going to come home sick today". 

We only have one car here, so if I want to go somewhere I drive Alan into work.  I don't drive him in often.  Yesterday I drove him in with plans to get my hair cut.  The weather was beautiful and I was going to go do some shopping and maybe eat out. 

I got a phone call around 10 am from Davin's teacher saying that Davin had cried and was running a slight temp.  He had a rough night the night before, so I made the decision to go and get him.  I believe this is one of the hardest things about having a child who is non-verbal.  Deciding if they are not feeling well is difficult to do in the mornings.  I wake Davin up from a sound sleep (especially since daylight savings) and have one hour to determine how he is feeling.  During that hour, our schedule is planned down to the minute.  He gets dressed at a certain time, fed at a certain time and gets his coat on at a certain time.  Not much time for evaluating his health, especially if it is a minor kind of thing. 

God is so good in it all, of course, as always!  I do not usually have the car and would have had to call Alan and have him come and get Davin with me.  I am not usually dressed that early.  I work out in the morning and do my housework before getting ready for the day.  Since I was heading out, I had gotten ready (even my hair:-) much earlier than normal.  I was basically ready to walk out the door to go get my boy. 

I so wish I had a picture of him when I went to pick him up.  I walked into the nurse's office and he is laying on one of the beds with the lights low and there is a sweet aide holding his hand.  He did not get excited as he usually does when he sees me, but his eyes just said, "oh, she came to get me".  I loved that little look. 

Davin was able to come home, sleep it off and is feeling good as new today!  He even has the day off of school today and the weather looks beautiful!! 

I was kind of thankful that I had this to write about today so I didn't have to write about the small fit I threw yesterday.  (Yes, again.)  I won't go into detail, but wheat was involved;-)

Possibly an Overlooked Love Language

I have never read the book about the different love languages, but I am pretty sure they did not include my husband's.  It's ironing.  Yup.  You read it right.  My husband's love language is ironing.  When I iron his clothes for him, it just somehow screams to him "I love you Alan".  It just touches him.  Not sure why, but I have known it for a long time now. 

It might not seem so strange to you, except that I am a TERRIBLE ironer.  I am not exaggerating or just being humble.  Most of the items that I iron, look very similar to how they looked before I ironed them.  With my kids it is a big joke how badly I iron.  But, to Alan it means that I love him.  So, I iron for him (I have not always, but presently have the ironing program up and running:-).  And, he wears what I ironed.  Wrinkled and creased in wrong places.  Alan is a great ironer.  When he is away on business, he irons his own clothes and he is fine doing that.  However, when he is home, it just means a lot to him that I iron them.  I guess as long as he is happy to wear his wrinkled/ironed clothes, I will be happy to iron them for him:-)

Your Worth is Not on Paper

For nearly Davin's entire life, he has been EVALUATED.  He has been evaluated by physical therapists, occupational therapists, ed. teachers, speech therapists and psychologists (my favorite....NOT!).  When he first started receiving services when he was 6 months old, he would be evaluated in several of these areas every six months.  I would get the results of the evaluations in the mail and just be crushed.  On paper, it looked like he had made no progress and it ALWAYS talked about how different he was from "typical peers".  It took me a couple of years to start putting those nice little papers in a drawer.  I would not even read them.  This has been my habit (for the most part) for the last 15 or 16 years. 

When we moved a psychologist came to our house and evaluated Davin and also gave me some kind of assessment to fill out.  I certainly know that on the papers I filled out (they were fill in the dot, not the kind where you could write answers), Davin didn't score very high.  I mean, really.  Some of the questions were so irrelevant to his life.  For the psychologist, I was impressed as I watched Davin really pay attention and answer the questions.  I also really do like the psychologist and she has gotten to know Davin and really like him.

However......yesterday I received the official evaluation results in the mail.  I was so encouraged by how well he is doing in school and how well he did with the psychologist and by the things his teacher has been saying that I (like a silly girl who didn't know better) decided to take a look at the report.  Bad idea.  It showed that Davin's IQ was the lowest it could be and that he ranks in or lower than 1% of the population.  Really??  Are you kidding me?  Have you met this kid? 

I shall go back to my old ways now.  I will put those papers in the drawer and keep them, but never allow them to define who Davin is.  My boy is not what is written on that paper and his abilities can't be measured by the regular standards.  I know who he is.  Davin knows who he is.  He is funny.  He is tricky.  He is smart.  He is loving and he is loved.  I will not focus on those papers, those words.  I will focus on who Davin is. 

College Spring Break

This week has been much different than we expected.  Cheney's spring break was this week and we had planned to go away on a skiing vacation.  I had let Davin's school know that he would not be there this week.  After thinking things through a bit more, we realized that now was an excellent time for Cheney to look for a summer job and he also did not seem real keen on a busy week, but rather needed some down time to rest and get ready for the last two months of school.  So, we changed plans. 

The week has been spent mostly here at home with just the four of us (although I did make Davin go to school;-).  I have cooked and baked and I always enjoy doing that for our kids.  Cheney has gone on one interview and has two more today.  I spent one day driving Cheney around as he filled out applications and asked about summer employment.  He took me out to lunch:-) 

Davin has spent lots and lots of time just looking at his brother.  It is just the cutest thing.  All week Cheney has begged for me to let Davin stay home, so tomorrow Davin will skip school and stay home and look at his brother all day;-)  We may go bowling which is a favorite activity for both of my boys. 

Good week:-)

March 8th

8 years ago, on March 8th, I received a phone call from my sister pretty late at night.  My Dad had passed out and was taken to the hospital by ambulance.  He had not woken up.  I knew that my Dad had been feeling flu-like symptoms earlier in the day, so I didn't worry too much.  Dad probably just got weak and fainted. 

As the hours went on through the night and I struggled to catch some naps in between phone calls and tears, the scenerio grew worse and worse.  Daddy still had not woken up.  It had been hours.  I finally spoke to my Mom around 4 am and told her I would be leaving in the morning to come down.  Unlike my Mom, she agreed.  I expected her to say that we should wait and see what happens and that it probably is not a big deal, but she just quietly said "okay".  I knew I needed to be there. 

The local hospital came to the conclusion that my Dad had an annurism.  He was to be heliported to a hospital in Philadelphia where they could help him.  A drain was placed in his head to drain the fluid. 

I arrived home to NJ sometime in the early afternoon and my in-laws were waiting for me so they could deliver me to the hospital.  I got out of the car and am not even sure I said goodbye to my mother and father-in-law.  My Mom and sister were outside and I just clung to them.  It was bad.  He was alive, though.  I had fear all the way home that I was going to get a call telling me that he did not make it.  That call, thankfully never came. 

We walked into the hospital and I went in to see my Dad.  There are no words to describe how it felt to see him in that condition.  My Dad was in a coma and had tubes everywhere.  Part of his hair was shaved from putting the drain in.  I sobbed at his bedside. 

I then left the room and my brother-in-law hugged me while I cried and cried.  Over the next few days, we would stand vigile by my Dad's side.  We would hold his hand, we would cry, we would wait... Every day was the same for a few days.  We would meet other families in the waiting rooms and some of their family members survived and some did not.  It was a heavy place to be day after day. 

On the Wednesday following my Dad's fall, we finally were told exactly what had happened.  My Dad had a staff infection in his heart and his valve was literally just blown and there was infection everywhere.  The infection was shooting out from the heart valve and he had bruises on his toes and fingertips as a result of the infection clots traveling through his body.  At some point on March the 8th, infection traveled up to his head and he fell to the hard wood floor in my parents' house.  He fell hard.  Due to the fall, he had bleeding on both sides of his head and that made surgery to repair his heart a risky thing.  The neurosurgeon and the cardiac surgeon would have to wait and see when the perfect time was to operate.  At any time, though, Dad could pass away from the problems going on in his heart.  The doctor looked my sister and Mom and I straight in the eyes and told us that he was a far ways away from being who he was before.  They gave us some percentage for his survival (but we were later told the real percentage was 5% that he would survive, let alone thrive) and that was the end of our conversation.  We were devestated.  Crushed.  I could hardly talk or think clearly. 

I immediately went to my cell phone and called Alan.  He and the kids would be traveling down to NJ to support me and to say goodbye to their Pop Pop possibly.  We wanted them to have the choice.

My kids came and my Dad held on.  We had precious time together in the waiting room.  I spent lots of time with my Mom and stayed in NJ for a couple of weeks before heading back home to my family.  For the next five weeks, I prayed that God would hold my Dad's heart literally in His hands.  I prayed that He would keep it beating even when it seemed like it should have stopped.  I prayed that the Spirit would minister to him even if he could not hear us. 

My Dad eventually had his open heart surgery and now sports a pig valve, but rarely oinks:-)  Following the five weeks in the ICU prior to surgery, my Dad had to head over to a rehab.  He was still in a coma-like state.  He did not appear to be "there".  He could not walk by himself, he could not shave, feed himself, or do anything to take care of himself anymore.  He could not read anymore.  He did have his speech, but often did not know who most people were.  He always knew my Mom:-) 

In the brain injury unit of the rehab, my Dad was locked (with a padlock) into a wheelchair to keep him from trying to get up without assistance.  He was kept in a pack and play bed.  It was like a literal pack and play for babies, but it fit over the hospital bed and was enclosed on all sides.  It could only be unzipped from the outside.  He also wore mittens on his hands so he would not try to yank out his trach tube.  He had already pulled out his central line and eventually pulled out the trach, too.  I hated leaving my Dad there.  It was like he was a baby. 

Little by little, he came back to us.  The more he came back, the more frustrated he became being confined in this way.  At the 13 week point, my Mom was horrified at how horribly my Dad was talking to the nurses and doctors.  He had enough!  Alan and I and our kids had come for a visit and could see Mom was very distressed.  Alan said we should just bring him home and that either Alan or I would stay to help care for my Dad.  I called my sister and told her to dress all in black because we were "busting Dad out of there!". 

One of the memories that will always stick in my mind is when we went to pick Dad up from the rehab to take him home.  Alan and I were both there and Alan had driven our suburban.  My Dad had been sedated because he was so agitated, but was also still very weak when walking.  I watched as Alan literally picked my Dad up and placed him into the truck.  The picture just struck me. 

The doctors told us that what Dad was one year following the accident would be what he was forever.  God has continued to heal my Dad's brain in amazing ways.  I have been able to enjoy spending one day a week with my Dad for 7 years that we lived in NJ.  My Dad has started doing woodworking again. He does not figure things out the way he used to and his work is not what it was, but it keeps getting better and he figures out more things as time goes on.  My Dad has the stamina and strength of an ox:-)  He has worked on landscaping my sister's house and mine for the last five years. 

It has been so precious to rebuild my relationship with my Dad as he came back to be "the Dad" again.  I love that he now takes me out to lunch and always has to pay.  Just like before.  I have been able to watch his relationship with my kids be restored, too, as my Dad became more and more of his old self and was able to focus on other people again.  Thank you God.  I know it was all You.  May you have the praise.

Marriage Month

In my life, March is the month of marriages.  Alan and I will celebrate 26 years of wedded bliss (okay, it wasn't all bliss, but I have not separated how many years were blissful and how many were not and overall they are all good;-), but that is just a drop in the bucket compared to our parents.  On March 13th, my mother and father-in-law will celebrate 46 years and on March 16th my Mom and Dad will celebrate 48 years of marriage!!  Wow, that is almost half of a century. 

It is hard to describe what a gift it has been to watch these two marriages.  We have watched our parents raise their kids, love their grandkids and love each other.  We have also watched our parents be caretakers of their spouses.  Alan's Mom has many health problems and I am not sure my father-in-law ever WALKS to get her what she needs.  He RUNS.  Every time.  Well, it seems like every time to me.  I am constantly amazed by his utter devotion and dedication to his wife.  I watched my Mom sit by my Dad's intensive care bedside during their 40th wedding anniversary and saw her cry and wonder if my Dad would live to see another anniversary.  My Dad suffered a traumatic brain injury and their lives have never been the same since then, but my mom's devotion to my Dad has never wavered.  She has gotten tired, she has been discouraged, but she has loved him like no other.  (Frankly, he is quite spoiled;-) 

I know this is not something everyone is blessed with.  I know that having two sets of parents that have stuck it out through better and worse is not the normal anymore.  I sure am thankful.  Happy Marriage Month!!

Kicking and Screaming....again

Apparently I not only kick and scream regarding my children growing up, but I also have a few fits if you try to change my diet on me.  I have already determined that I am beginning a new eating and exercise lifestyle with a couple of friends starting this Thursday!  I am super excited about it, but apparently, I wanted to do it my way and not with "outside" (husband) help;-) 

Alan decided at the new year to make some big changes to his eating.  He has been buying all sorts of things that have less fat, less calories, blah, blah, blah.  You get the picture.  I am okay with that, but I was not quite there yet. 

We were trying to decide what to make for dinner tonight and decided on making sausage with onions and peppers.  Alan told me that he is trying not to eat bread, so he would not want anything with bread.  I told him that he could get me a roll and do whatever he wanted.  He mentioned that if we were having sausage, it would be great to get turkey sausage.  I rolled my eyes, but he didn't see me because we were talking on the phone.  I think I roll my eyes a lot while I am on the phone;-) 

Alan came home with the groceries and I was already self-talking myself into the whole turkey sausage thing and thinking that it was a good idea because I am starting my weight loss program on Thursday.  I unpacked the bags and there were NO rolls of any kind.  The only way I was talking myself through this was thinking about the yummy roll that would cover the taste of the turkey sausage if I didn't like it.  NO rolls, and instead......wheat pitas!!!  I started freaking out!!  I was going over our whole conversation and Alan said he didn't remember that I said I wanted a roll.  If he had heard me say that he would have gotten me a roll.  I replied that he had to have heard me because I was talking right into his ear.  He found my reaction on the funny side and I told him I needed some time to regroup and get myself together.  He thought I was kidding, but I am pretty serious about my bread and it took some time snuggling with Davin to bring myself down once again. 

I now have my whole entire head wrapped around my much healthier dinner and how fantastic it will be when I am much thinner in the summer.  The best part will be that we are doing it together.  Why, oh why, must I kick and scream?? 

By the way, Alan just came in and asked what I was doing.  I told him I would rather not say.  He asked if I was blogging about THE ROLL:-)  Oh dear! 

What is a Mom to do?

I knew this would be hard. Moving at 18 years of age is hard. Moving when you are non-verbal is extra hard. I knew it would not be ideal to put Davin in a "typical" high school at this age and have the "typical" kids his age try to get to know him. I didn't think about church....

Davin and I sat in Sunday School yesterday. We were in the back row. Every single teen had to walk by us to get to their seats. I noticed. Davin noticed. A teen came up and introduced herself to someone else who was new. Davin and I watched. We started feeling invisible and I wondered what I should do. Finally, two sweet, sweet girls came up to Davin. They had already been past us and were sitting in the very front row. They came all the way to the back row to introduce themselves to Davin and ask his name. Sweet girls. Only in 9th and 8th grades, too:-) We chatted with them for a bit. A ray of hope.

These waters are new. I am not sure how to proceed. Do I talk to the youth pastor? He hasn't done a great job of getting to know us or ask what he can do to enable Davin to be able to go to SS or youth group without me or Alan. He has tried, though. He really has. It is probably harder since Davin's former youth pastor also doubled as his best friend. Davin adored him. Maybe this youth pastor needs to go on a road trip to Cedarville. That is what bonded Davin and his Pastor Greg:-) Hmmm...., I know that I have been living with Davin for a long time, and I will give grace to everyone else who may not be knowing quite what to do. How do I reach out for Davin? What do I say? This is hard.

A Change of Heart (yet to come....)

I have slowly been reading Max Lucado's new book "Out Live Your Life". While I was home from church with a sick Davin, I read a chapter. Conviction... Really? Yup. It talked about not giving up on anyone. No one is too far from God. No one is a lost cause. Really Lord? I have very rarely given up on anyone. However, there is someone in my life that I have decided that I am done with. Lost cause. Too much wrong has been done. God says differently. I need to adjust my heart. Is it there yet? Not yet. It started, though. I prayed this morning for this person. That always helps. It is hard to pray for a person and not love them. I got a little more than I had bargained for this morning.

A Change of Scenery

In August of 1995, a mom of four children moved to the Rochester, NY area with her husband and family. She was 28 years old. Her children were 2, 4, 8 and 9. Life was good. Her husband had been traveling four days a week for the last 2 years and her little boys did not remember their Daddy ever living with them full-time.



In January of 2011, that same mom of those same four children moved back to Rochester, NY after being gone for 7 years. Things are a bit different now. Those little girls that giggled and played pretend in her house are now 23 and 25. They didn't come. One of her little boys is now a sophomore in college and will only be here sporatically. Thankfully, that former 2 year-old is still with his Mama:-) This time, they are coming off of 14 months of their Dad traveling during the week. Thankfully, they all have plenty of memories of Dad being home every night and playing a huge part in their growing up.

It is both so familiar and so strange all at the same time. To be here, the place we really call home, feels comfortable and homey. To move for the first time, with only part of my family is more than strange. I know that my place is to be here with Alan and yet my Mom's heart has a really hard time being away from my girls.

Being the optimist that I am, I am looking forward to some new things while I am here. My girls will come and visit me!!! Bethany is coming this weekend and I cannot wait!!! Visiting and staying with people is very different than just visiting for a few hours. It is more intimate, you make an effort to do things together, you savor the time spent with each other. I am really looking forward to that.

I have amazing friends that are here. I am so looking forward to reconnecting and getting to spend time with them and in many cases, getting to know the children that were just little children when I left. I will make time to read, time to scrapbook, and time to work on cooking new and different meals. Alan and I both plan to work on living a more healthy lifestyle and including regular exercise in our routine. I will spend time with my man. We will not have the distractions (oh, did I just call my children distractions?? ;-) (Just kidding, girls!) and we will spend time together just the two of us. Hmmm, what is that like??