My Firstborn Boy

He is 21 today.  My baby Cheney Alan as we used to call him, and perhaps once in a while, I still do;-)  I loved every minute of watching him grow up - even the ones where I was tempted to close my eyes with all of his dare devil tricks.  Now he is a man.  He has plans and goals and has found some other woman to love (thankfully I love her, too:-). 

Happy Birthday Cheney Alan Scott!!  I am so proud of the man that you have become and can't wait to see what God continues to do in your life. 

He is in the Detail Business

I love that God is a God of details.  He gave me such an uneasy feeling about the dentist and having to put Davin under sedation to have his teeth clean.  Yesterday my friend Pam (who happened to clean his teeth when we lived here 8 years ago) did an amazing job cleaning his teeth and the dentist was as wonderful as before also.  So, instead of driving 6 hours on Thursday, having Davin put under in a strange hospital on Friday and driving 6 more hours on Saturday...we drove 3 minutes from our apartment and took a little time while Davin got more and more comfortable and got the same results.  He has very clean and sparkly teeth now.  I have no doubt that God orchestrated the whole thing. 

I Have to Do My Job

*DISCLAIMER:
When I first wrote this, I was mad and that anger turned into self-righteousness.  So, I took this post down.  Now after a few days of praying and thinking, I think I can put it back up with my heart right.  I have also been convicted that I very often say things that I don't think through.  I do pray that it now comes across to readers in the right way.  I wanted to write about my job as Davin's mom.  I don't want to bash someone else.  By the way, the person who posted the quote, wrote me a very sweet note and I harbor no bad feelings at all toward that person. 
The quote read something like this...

"Playing for the Giants (or whatever team they were talking about.  I have no clue, really) is kind of like running in the Special Olympics.  Even if you win, you are still retarded."

I read that on facebook and my blood began to boil.  I am not easily offended.  I rarely say something in opposition to what someone else writes or thinks.  But, there are those times, when something just rises up within me and I feel led to speak, to remind, to stand up.  I felt that way.  I wrote a comment....

"I can't begin to tell you how offensive this is to me:-("

I wrote it and I panicked a bit.  Should I keep it there?  Was I stirring up trouble?  There were already quite a few likes on it and also some comments, "YES!" and "AMEN".  I also totally know that the individual who posted this picture and phrase was not intentionally trying to hurt me or my boy (and took it down immediately after seeing my comment, I think).  I know that.  I know some of the people who liked it and I know they were not trying to hurt me.  Maybe I was overreacting.  Maybe my job is not to be the police for all that is unjust concerning people who have mental or physical disabilities. 

I prayed and I pondered.  Maybe that IS my job.  Did I ask to be a Mom of a child with a severe disability?  No.  Did God ordain me to have Davin Bruce and created him exactly the way he is?  Yes!!  That IS my career.  That is my job.  That is my mission.  When I take Davin into the grocery store and he holds my list and we talk together, I am showing the world how "normal" people with disabilities are.  When I take my son into Kohl's and laugh while he tries to grab the bras, I am showing people how "very normal" teenagers are who happen to have disabilities.  People learn.  Maybe only a little, but the people around us are learning from him.  From me. 

Slavery seems pretty distant when I think about how long people in our country have known that that is not right.  Segregation, however, seems very recent.  If no one had said anything in opposition to slavery and then to segregation, would anything have changed?  I think I see it the same.  It is one or more people groups being declared to be lesser than by another people group.  Not. cool.  Not. right.  Not. true.  Just as we all know now that the color of your skin does not define your worth, I KNOW that the level of your intelligence does not define your worth.  We were created in the image of Christ.  THAT defines our worth. 

I think God called me to this as my career.  What is the name of this career?  Not sure.  Is it the best career ever?  Yup. 

Just a Bad Feeling

Davin has had a lot of dental trauma.  We recently were referred to a new dentist who was going to look at him and see if they could give him a new front tooth one way or another.  Our referring dentist (who was a pediatric dentist specializing in special needs kids) told us that from now on, we would be the patient of the new dentist because they would be doing the work on Davin and that wouldn't be right to go there and then come back. 

Well, Davin and I went to his appointment at the new dentist and they didn't understand why we had waited to get the work done (because the last dentist told us to!) and didn't seem to understand what we needed from him.  I explained that Davin needed a dentist:-)  (He does have teeth after all, even if he is missing one.)  At the end of the visit, the dentist declared that Davin was very hesitant about being looked at by a dentist (I was shocked!  LOL) and that we should put him under anesthesia and go in and clean his teeth really good and take x-rays that way.  They called us and gave us an appointment for the end of January. 

I intended to go to this appointment.  Davin does need his teeth cleaned, but from my very first dealings with this new dentist, I didn't have a good feeling.  When Davin went into the waiting room, he was very uneasy and I was not impressed with the people there for some reason.  They were rude or anything.  Just a bad feeling.  Now I was going to let them put my child to sleep in a hospital that I did not know anything about.  The more I thought about calling to set up the pre-admission testing, the less comfortable I was with it. 

Finally today I decided we would find a new dentist and get his teeth cleaned with him wide awake just like we have been doing for his whole life.  No real reason.  Just a bad feeling.

Time Changes Things

When Davin was diagnosed, I was crushed.  I mean literally crushed.  It seemed like my whole entire world was altered forever.  Even when we don't mean to, as parents, we have an idea of what we want the future to be like.  In general, we want our kids to be the smartest, most kindest, and of course, most beautiful people ever.  I pictured the place that Davin would take as the little brother of our Hester clan.  I pictured him running around shortly after he turned one just like his siblings had done. 

When I first found out that Davin had CP, we thought it was mild and that he probably would walk.  That part of it was so important to me.  I even reached a compromise with God.  (Okay, he never agreed to it;-)  I told God that it was okay that Davin was going to do things slower, but I would like him to crawl by a certain time and walk by a certain time.  (I literally did this.)  I gave God extra time.  I felt like I was being fair. 

A friend of mine who knew her daughter would never walk, discussed with me about getting Davin a wheelchair.  I told her that Davin was expected to walk and that I would carry him around as long as I had to so that we would not have to have a wheelchair for him.  At that point, I saw the wheelchair as the enemy - the spoiler of my plans.  If I placed my baby boy in a wheelchair, I was giving up my dream.  I was giving up hope for him. 

This past Thursday, I met with Davin's teacher and therapists to get ready for his IEP meeting in March.  While we were talking about a lot of different aspects of Davin's life, I realized how much I have changed.  My heart has changed.  God has changed me and I have been blessed by allowing Him to do so. 

When I was crushed with the diagnosis, I could not see a fabulous life without walking and talking and Davin doing things for himself.  Almost 19 years later, I see so much more.  Instead of me deciding who Davin was going to be, God decided who he was going to be. 

We discussed what happens after high school for Davin.  Instead of mourning that my boy won't go to college, I can see so many possibilities for him.  As I shared with Davin's teachers some ideas that I have, they jumped on board.  I don't see Davin's limitations so much anymore, even though I know they are there.  I see his strengths.   I know that Davin can go into a day program that is run like his high school program and he can be very happy there.  But, Davin has huge strengths.  He is a people person.  His people skills without language are amazing.  If he goes to a day program, he is receiving and I know he is giving, too, but can he use his gifts elsewhere and give more?  Maybe.  It is exciting to think about.  Maybe God will use Davin and I in some kind of ministry.  Maybe we can give some awareness to churches that they don't have now.  Maybe Davin can be a greeter someplace and make connections there. 

I am so thankful that God changed my heart, but I am also forever grateful that He gave me time.  He knows I like baby steps and He loves me enough to change me just a little bit at a time.  Maybe he didn't agree to my compromise, but He has given me so much more.  Walking?  Not that big of a deal when you have a sweet toxic green wheelchair to ride around in:-)  Touching people's lives like my boy has done?  That is a big deal.

Misunderstood?

Today Alan and I went shopping to get Alan a pair of jeans.  He tried on several and as he came out and showed me one pair, I told him that the girls will really like them!!  After he walked back into the fitting room, I realized that what I said might sound a bit funny to the young men standing nearby me:-)  So, maybe next time, I need to say your daughters will really like them instead!!

Home Study Update

We are still waiting (patiently????) for our case worker to complete her part of the home study.  She needs to get the written home study to us and then we make changes and then we are ready!  From that point, we can start to inquire about sibling groups.  We have one sibling group that we are all very interested in, but we can't ask questions without the complete home study.  Unfortunately, we have been at this exact same point for about 2 months now.  I felt so patient for so long and now I am having a harder time. 

We are talking about our kids out there somewhere waiting for us, their forever family.  It is kind of a big deal.

When?

I heard someone mention "caregivers" the other day.  I supposed I fit into that category.  When did that happen?  When are you just a parent and then when does that crossover and you turn into the "caregiver"?  The answer is definitely not when your child can't do the usual self help skills when they are supposed to.  Davin couldn't dress himself or feed himself when he was eight years-old, but I was still a Mom, not a caregiver.  Hmmm....

I can just add that to my list....mother/legal guardian/caregiver.  It just makes him more mine and I am good with that:-)

Reason #4,698

Just another reason why I love him.  When this happened...

(as he was leaning back to check the water temperature for Davin's bath that was at least half 1/3 full), he simply smiled and said, "Well, I guess I am glad I just took my wallet out of my pocket." 

Just so everyone knows, Alan is aware that I am sharing this story with a picture:-)

She's 70!

She didn't have the best childhood.  She remembers sitting in bars as a child waiting for her parents to be done.  There were things she did not know the truth about until she was a grandmother, even down to not knowing her Mom's real first name.  She made the very best of it.  Her only brother became a product of what having a hard life so often does to a person.  She didn't.  She may not have had the best example (although there were some awesome adults in her life as a child), but she became a wonderful example of a godly mother.  Sometimes I take it for granted that my Mom was a Christian, and then I think about what the odds were that she would be who she is today.  I am in awe of her. 

I have my Christian heritage because she chose to follow Christ and take her two little girls to church always.  She did not have the support of a husband in her faith.  She had to be the spiritual leader on her own.  She prayed and stayed in the Word and eventually saw my Father come to Christ.  Her life has been such an example. 

I am who I am today because of who she is and who she was. 

On Friday, my Mom turned 70!  I can hardly believe it.  We had a party for her with all of her children and grandchildren present.  She got a way cool ipad2 and we made her a book with a letter from each of us telling her what she means to us.  It was a wonderful day.  It was so good to celebrate the woman who has celebrated me for my whole life. 

P.S. My one complaint would be that it would have been nice if my Mom had given me her "no-gray-hairs and don't dye my hair even though I am now 70" genes.  I am just saying it would have been nice.  Also, it is not nice when your mother is much thinner than you are and therefore you have to workout and lose weight;-) 

Happy Birthday Mom!!!!  You are the best!!!

Admitting It is the First Step

For the last 8 1/2 months I have worked so hard to change my health and my body.  I have changed how much I eat, what I eat and how often I eat.  I have worked out five days a week nearly every single week.  It has been a gradual change that I have seen, but I feel so good about the progress that I have made.  I feel good that I am not starting tomorrow like usual:-)  But.....then......Davin had his birthday.  I ordered him a cake from a fabulous bakery.  I LOVE a good bakery cake.  I adore butter cream icing. 

The day of Davin's birthday, I had a couple of pieces.  One was very small, by the way:-)  Then, the next day, I had two more pieces.  After that, I realized I was eating way too many calories.  So, I did what any reasonable lover-of-butter cream-icing would do.  I started eating the icing only and ditching the cake down the garbage disposal.  Oh my.  Things were going downhill fast.  I told Alan about my brilliant idea of just eating the icing and saving myself the calories of the cake.  He seemed more concerned than impressed. 

Finally yesterday, I admitted, the cake needed to go.  Admitting I have a problem is the first step, right? 

Another Very Special Day

Today was a very special day for Davin.  We got a letter in the mail that he would be given a special award today and that during the ceremony there would be something read about Davin and why he was getting the award.  I didn't realize that only 4 kids are chosen out of his school 4 different times during the year to receive such an award.  The staff recognizes each recipient for their own special strengths and growth. 

While Davin sat in the front of the room in front of the principal and vice principals and other guests, the following was read:

******
Davin Hester joined Creekside in the middle of last year, and the minute he entered Creekside he made a huge impact.  His smile affects everyone who meets him and people are instantly drawn to him.  He is a jokester (at this point Davin started cracking up) who enjoys pulling pranks on people as much as he enjoys having pranks done to him.  His laugh comes from his belly and is deep and sincere. 

Davin is very intelligent, and keeps up academically with his age equivalent peers from other classes while at the same time he charms the staff.

Although Davin is highly intelligent and funny, he has a devious side.  This is the side that will steal purses from the teacher's desk or off of the back of a wheelchair.  This is the side that will take a stick and knock things off of the teacher's desk.  this is the side that could have had him sent to the Principal's office on more than one occasion!

Davin is a wonderful person who comes from a loving family.  We all feel that we have been blessed to have met him. 
******

So....I went back and forth between gushing with pride to wondering if my son had just gotten an award for being a twirp:-)  In the end, I realize what he got the award for.  He got the award for being who he is.  The staff and students at his school celebrate who he is and I am so thankful for a place like that.  Why would Davin not want to go to school? 

Davin's award also got me to thinking.  The things that were said about Davin and how drawn people are to him is true.  He makes an impact.  He makes an impact most places that he goes.  Davin can't walk or talk or write or play sports in the traditional way, but he makes an impact. 

In general, we feel badly for someone who does not have the skills or abilities that we have, but am I using those "extra" skills that I have to make an impact?  Do I impact people the way my son does?  If he can touch lives the way he does without ever uttering one word, how much of an impact can I make with my words?  Davin uses what he has and he does a great job.  Do I? 

Bubby's Birthday

Saturday was Davin Bruce's 19th birthday!!  Both sisters and one special brother-in-law came to celebrate with us!!  It was a fun day for sure. 

When I think back to the day my Bubby was born, things seemed so different than they are now.  I had no idea how much that boy was going to change my life.  All of my children changed my life in many ways, but Davin's presence in my life has made me different.  I am a different mom because of him.  I stand with the proud other moms who have a special needs child to raise and I am so thankful for that.  I have a different perspective on perfection and on endurance and on unconditional love.  God knew just what I needed when he blessed me with that 7 pound 1 ounce boy 19 years ago. 

Happy Birthday Bubby!!!  I love you so much!!

Shaken

I have been shaken...but not moved. 

In general, when I am not blogging, there are things going on in my life that I can't or don't want to share, even in person.  I guess everybody decides what kind of blogger they will be, and I have chosen to share limited information.  It is a good fit for me. 

I see God working and I know that I can trust Him.   

In other news, Alan has been gone for the last 10 days.  I wish I could say I have had a great attitude and have been glad that he has been enjoying his trip.  I do wish I could say that.  While my attitude has been less than excellent, that cute boy that I share my life with has been awesome.  He has eaten every meal so nicely and has slept so soundly ever single night that we were by ourselves.  Now, for my attitude adjustment.....

My Pleasure

Davin and I recently headed down to NJ for a dentist appointment.  A sweet side benefit is that I got to spend time with my daughters.  I have been missing them so much.  One day, I got to take my Dad with me to meet Ashleigh and the twin girls that she nannies for.  We met for lunch.  To be honest, I knew this time could go either way for my Dad.  He has always been pretty head strong and if he decided the girls were acting up or we had driven too long to get there, his mood would be hard to change.  I held my breath.  Lunch could not have been better.  My Dad and I got to watch Ashleigh do what she loves to do.  She takes such excellent care of the girls.  They are 21 months old.  As I got to watch Ashleigh, it just affirmed what a wonderful mother she will someday be.  She is making such a difference in the life of this family by training their children so well.  The girls were adorable and my Dad enjoyed them so much.  The sweetest part of the trip was when we were getting ready to walk out and I asked E if she would like to hold Pop Pop's hand on the way out.  She is just a tiny little peanut, but she reached up and grabbed his hand and held it all the way to the car.  I watched my Dad whose normal strides are long and quick, slow down to keep pace with little E.  So sweet. 

I also got to be present for Bethany's first day at her new job!!!  She now has a job working in her field!!  Woo hoo!!!  I got to be there to make her lunches for the first few days, and I was blessed to be able to make dinner for us to eat together when she got home from work. 

When my kids were younger, they had to make their own lunches and do other things around the house, too.   Now that they are older, I find that when I the opportunity to serve them in that way, it blesses me.  It is just another way for me to show them that I love them and still love to take care of them. 

Any Changes?

As we prepare to bring more children into our home, Alan and I have been discussing guidelines once again.  Will we do things the same as when our other four children were growing up, or are there changes to be made?  We will most likely be adopting at least one teenager, so how do we give guidelines that may be different than what they previously had?  We have been talking through cell phones, texting, and facebook.  We seem to both be on the same page with these things, but I think it will be tricky to give a bunch of guidelines to a teenager who is brand new in our home.  I kind of think we will need to gradually do it, but I am not sure. 

As for cell phones, we are pretty set on the fact that you don't ever need one unless you are driving.  That opinion hardly made us the cool parents before and I am pretty sure it won't now.  I think texting may want to be avoided all together for quite a while.  It has proven to be a very easy way for inappropriate discussions to take place. 

Any thoughts?  When did you let your kids have a facebook?  How much internet time do you allow?  How much television?  What is your opinion of cell phones and kids? 

Although these issues are issues that Alan and I need to have covered together, I know that our kids will need love and support the most.  The other things will come, but the love and stability will make us a family. 

On the Same Page

If I am to be honest, Alan and I are so very different.  I know that is not shocking to anyone who knows both of us.  If we make a list at any given time of the things that are our top five priorities (as far as things that need to be done), our lists would vary greatly.  Alan thinks I stress about silly details too much and I think he ignores them too much which makes me stress more;-) 

As we have gone through the steps of becoming home study ready, we have talked a lot.  It is so crucial that we are on the same page and have the same or similar priorities for this.  This is big.  We had a conversation the other day about getting the beds put up and all that goes with that so that the bedrooms are ready.  We actually were in total agreement! 

I don't say that to say that Alan and I disagree a bunch.  As far as parenting goes, we always back each other up and think so much alike.  In general, things that need to be done in the house, though, have us on different pages.  The fact that we were totally in agreement is one more affirment from God that He is instructing us to walk this path. 

I guess I need lots of reminders or at least I appreciate it every time God reminds me. 

When?

Yesterday I made sugar cookies.  I took out my cookbook that I have had since I was first married.  I opened it and all of the sudden, my Mom's cookbook flashed through my mind.  She uses the same one, but hers is an older version.  When I looked at my cookbook as I opened it on the counter, I suddenly saw the wear and tear on the well-worn book, the pages that were no longer attached.  I saw the yellowed page color and the stains from food dripping onto the pages as I cooked another meal or dessert.  When did I become the older mother?  When did I become my Mom? 

Crazy...

Nesting

I have no other way to explain this, except to say that I am nesting.  Does that happen when you are adopting, too?  It has become absolutely necessary for every single thing in our apartment to be organized and in a place that makes sense.  Is that because my world is about to be turned upside down???  Bring it on!!  (and I will have very clean closets as a bonus;-)

The Day

Today is the day that I met Ashleigh Diane.  I was never the same again.  From this day forward, 26 years ago, I was not just Heather.  I was Ashleigh's Mom and I loved it. 

Happy Birthday Ashleigh Diane!!!  I love your passion for life, your loyalty to your family and friends and your desire to be who God wants you to be.  I am so glad you changed my world 26 years ago.