And a Hush Falls Over the Crowd....

Davin making his way down court.

...literally, ever single person on the court (both players and their partners) were completely silent as they waited so patiently for Davin to decide who he would like to pass the basketball to:-) 

Davin joined a Special Olympics basketball team in our town 2 weeks ago.  It has been so fun to go and watch them practice.  The kids have varied levels of basketball abilities, but they are all so encouraging and patient with one another.  I love to watch them. 

Davin seemed nervous when we first walked in last week.  I had already explained to him that he would have a partner who would help him around the court.  He quickly made the decision that person was NOT to be me.  That is okay.  I can take it:-) 

Yesterday he was much more comfortable and was getting the hang of a few things.  (The boy has sat through quite a few basketball games in his life!)  Our goal for yesterday was to try to concentrate on trying a little bit harder to help to pass the ball or put it into the basket. 

How did we do on our goal?  Well...it is good to have goals;-)

The post scrimmage huddle.

It's Risky

Adoption is risky.  Adoption through foster care is full of unknowns.  Children don't end up without their parents without some kind of trauma to their young lives. 

The last couple of weeks, I have had serious doubts.  It just didn't seem there was a way for God to come through.  It seemed impossible. 

Because God is good all the time, he spoke to my heart specifically through my Bible study every single day this week.  (From Captivated by God, Women of the Word series) "First, God wants us to trust Him for impossible situations in our lives, and then He wants us to depend on Him entirely.

There are so many risks, so many unknowns and so many chances for my heart to be broken in this whole process.  Our kids are worth every. single. risk.  I am ALL IN. 

Afraid to Love by Matthew Hammitt~


Afraid to love, something that could break,


Could I move on, if you were torn away?

I'm so close to what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart, and pray it makes you whole



You're gunna have all of me, you're gunna have all of me,

Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing every fear

You're gunna know all my love, even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start.



I won't let sadness steal you from my arms

I won't let pain keep you from my heart

Trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment I share with you

You're gunna have all of me, you're gunna have all of me,

Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear

You're gunna know all my love, even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start.



Heaven broke into this moment, it's too wonderful to speak

You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed

You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me



You're gunna have all of me, you're gunna have all of me,

Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear

You're gunna know all my love, even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start

Right Now I am Loving...

sparkly pencils
talking about adoption
listening to Cheney's excitement about his upcoming wedding
getting phone calls from Ashleigh and listening to her taking care of the twins that she nannies for
anything Davin brings home from school that he has made (even if I am not sure what it is)
my pink Kindle cover (never read with my Kindle, but now I have a pink case and suddenly, I love it)
talking about weight loss/fitness/nutrition
7am (that is the time of day when our workout is wrapping up and I have 23 hours until I have to do it again)
purple
knowing that I have new windows in my house even though I haven't seen them yet
getting phone calls from my Bethany telling me about her day
that Davin was so sad when his Dad was leaving last night for a meeting
my Bible Study on Thursday nights
frozen yogurt
Friday morning talks with my dear friend
watching Alan scoop Davin up so he can sit with him
knowing that Cheney Boy will be home for the summer in a couple of weeks!!
working on a new color scheme for my living room/dining room

Friends Forever

A couple of weeks ago, I had a lunch date with a dear friend and two of her little granddaughters.  It is amazing what a couple of little girls can do to boost your spirits for weeks.  To start off, one of them mentioned to her grandmother that I was pretty.  The other one told me that I was nice.  I figured the day could hardly get any better than that.  I was already bouncing around on a cloud.  At the end of our lunch, before walking out the door, one of the girls told us to put all of our hands in together and shouted "Friends Forever"!!  It just got better!!!  I left there amazed what a couple little encouraging words could do to encourage me for days and days. 

I went home and recommended to Alan that he try it with his team at work.  (He did not feel led to follow my advice.)  I told my sister that she and her co-worker should do it in the nurse's office where she works.  (They laughed about it, but didn't do it.)  I told my Bible study girls and we did it before leaving for the night!! 

Why not end every gathering with a "Friends Forever" cheer??  Try it!!

Mexico Pictures

Better late than never??  ;-) 

Obedience

Over the last week, I have mulled some things over.  Reality has settled in.  I never expected it to take this long for us to begin to be matched up with kids.  It is discouraging.  It is frustrating.  I could be mad that the process took so long. 

I could be, except I KNOW that my God has a plan for all of our lives.  My kids who are not yet home, as well as our biological family.  God was so clear in leading us.  He will continue to lead, but I am disappointed.  I can feel it more and more as I process things.  I feel ready.  We have done the work to prepare.  Where are our kids? 

If we move from here soon, (which looks probable) we will have to start the whole process all over again (says NJ).  So what have we gained by doing all of this??

We did what God told us to do.  That has to be enough.

The Plan?

God is in it.  I know He is.  He has not filled me in on all of the details, however.  But, you know what?  He doesn't have to.  My job is to be obedient. 

We have been pursuing the adoption of a sibling group (not one in particular) for a year now.  We received our home study one week ago today.  Presently, our lease is till the end of June.  Alan and I are trying to decide how long we should try to extend it.  Maybe the end of September?  Or December?  Or are we just trying to give God more time that He doesn't need because He knows how this is all going to play out.  He knows that Cheney is coming home to NJ for his last summer as a single college student and that this Momma's heart can't miss all of that.  God also knew that NJ was going to say that no part of our home study will transfer.  Not even our classes.  We will have to be in NJ to start the process all over again if we leave here without adopting.  We have felt very strongly this is what we were to be doing.  In the end, nothing else is important except that we obey.  I believe we are doing that. 

Praying that God will continue to guide us in these murky and yet exciting waters. 

Now There is Too Much to Write...

I have been away from blogging for such a long time now and in the past few days have come on to try to catch up on some of your lives.  Now, as I try to come up with a post for today, I feel so far behind and think there is way too much to say. 

*Alan and I went away by ourselves for 11 days at the end of February/beginning of March.  We celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary and also a year of regular exercise, changing our diet and steady weight loss.  Bethany and Cheney stayed with Davin (who was sick for much of the time:-( and we are so thankful for kids who love us and are happy for us to get away.

*Our home study came in the mail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There are still sooo many decisions to be made and plans to work out, but God is in control of it all and we are so happy to have that magic report in our hands:-)

*You saw pictures from Cheney's proposal:-)  I go back and forth between being so excited about the whole thing and then mourning my baby boy leaving our nest.  So many emotions.  He could not be cuter, though and we are really thrilled.  There are just times when it hits me... like when he is talking to me about his wedding ring and suddenly I can't breathe anymore. 

*I kidnapped Bethany and Rocky and had them with us here for a little over a week.  I think I was very close to convincing Bethany to stay up here, but she was just accepted on a team to go on a missions trip to Africa in the summer!!!! so there is much to do with that and unfortunately for me, she will have to be in NJ for that. 

*Ashleigh continues to rock her classes and is on her way to getting her personal trainer certification.  I am so proud of all of the long hours and dedication she puts in.  Of course, there is also that little job she has taking care of 2 two-year-olds all day long:-) 

*Davin Boy had a talent show on Friday.  Of course, he was amazing!! 

*Some work is being done at our house in NJ to prepare for more people living there in the near future!!!  That is exciting!!! 

No Words

Blind??

Tonight, Davin was sitting on Alan's lap.  Alan must have rubbed Davin's face with his scruff and accidentally rubbed in Davin's eye.  I wasn't watching what was happening since I was on the phone, but all of the sudden, I saw Davin's eyes shut, his face turn red and he was about to burst into tears.  I told my sister I would call her back and ran over to Davin.  Alan explained he thought he scratched his eye.  Davin sat there with his eyes closed for many minutes (Davin cannot keep his eyes closed on purpose generally.  If ever he can, he loves it and pretends he is asleep and then laughs).  I got a wet washcloth to see if it would help it feel better.  He hated the wash cloth.  So, we sat there and waited until he felt like he could open his eye so I could look at it.  I am envisioning a doctor appointment or something.  Then, Davin throws his head back with his eyes closed and starts throwing his arms out wildly in front of him like he now has to feel his way because he is blind.  Then, comes the giggle.  Since he hurt his eye and could control having them shut (it really was red and it was tearing up), he figured he would play a little joke.  He thought he might pretend that he was blind.  What a funny guy.  I called my sister back and explained what had happened while Davin listened intently with a huge smile on his face:-) 

True Love

I am taking a guess by assuming that when Alan and I got married one week after my 18th birthday, there were probably bets as to how long we would last.  We were young, but we knew a secret.  The feelings might not always be there, but the commitment, the true love can be.  We made a commitment before God to continue to love each other.  That is an action, it is a verb.  We have not always done it beautifully, but we are in this for the long haul, and truthfully, most of it has been a joy. 

Happy Valentine's Day to my Alan Scott!  I love you and am so glad that God chose you for me. 

Maybe You?

When Davin was diagnosed, it was crushing.  I felt like I was literally just broken into pieces.  The "perfect" family that I thought I had was now ruined (or so I thought).  I was scared, I was overwhelmed and I had no idea what I was in for.  Then the equipment started invading our house.  First, a corner chair came.  Then, a stander and later an adaptive stroller.  This different world was taking over my house, my life. 

If I had gotten to choose my life (or what I thought was the perfect life), I would have missed out on so very much.  I would have missed out on the blessings that God brings our way because of the path He chose for us.  I would have missed a sweet note from a man that we met several months ago as he described how Davin has touched his life.  I would have missed so much. 

I can imagine that the thought of having a child who is so dependent on you might seem scary.  I thought it was scary, too, once upon a time.  You might look at me and think it is great that I do it, but that you could never have the patience, love or endurance to do it.  Or maybe you do have what it takes. 

Today I got an email from a woman who shared information about a little boy who is waiting for a forever family.  He is 5 years old and was born with cerebral palsy just like Davin was.  His story is different, though.  He is living in a children's hospital and has been there for his entire life.  His birth family is not able to care for him at home and have made the loving decision to allow him to be adopted so that he can go HOME.  I watched the video of Alex here and my heart melted.  He appears to be so happy.  I can't even imagine how he will blossom living in a home with a family.  What are you missing out on by not being his Mom? 

Check out the website and see this adorable little boy who has so much to give a family.  His smile and laugh are absolutely beautiful.  If you would like more information about sweet Alex, please contact Debra.  

Little Dabin

Ashleigh is a nanny for 2 year-old twin girls.  They have done a couple of things with Davin and I and talk about Davin now or really they say "Dabin".  Right before Christmas, the girls came over with Ashleigh and we all made cookies together.  We had such a fun day.  During the day, the girls were playing with a school bus toy and we gave it to them.  It is one that has a ramp and has some little people that go with it.  Ever since they got the bus home, the girls began calling one of the little people "Dabin":-)  It is always the same one and both girls always call that one particular little dark-skinned boy "Dabin".  It is adorable.  The other little people are just boy or girl.  Cracks me up!

My Firstborn Boy

He is 21 today.  My baby Cheney Alan as we used to call him, and perhaps once in a while, I still do;-)  I loved every minute of watching him grow up - even the ones where I was tempted to close my eyes with all of his dare devil tricks.  Now he is a man.  He has plans and goals and has found some other woman to love (thankfully I love her, too:-). 

Happy Birthday Cheney Alan Scott!!  I am so proud of the man that you have become and can't wait to see what God continues to do in your life. 

He is in the Detail Business

I love that God is a God of details.  He gave me such an uneasy feeling about the dentist and having to put Davin under sedation to have his teeth clean.  Yesterday my friend Pam (who happened to clean his teeth when we lived here 8 years ago) did an amazing job cleaning his teeth and the dentist was as wonderful as before also.  So, instead of driving 6 hours on Thursday, having Davin put under in a strange hospital on Friday and driving 6 more hours on Saturday...we drove 3 minutes from our apartment and took a little time while Davin got more and more comfortable and got the same results.  He has very clean and sparkly teeth now.  I have no doubt that God orchestrated the whole thing. 

I Have to Do My Job

*DISCLAIMER:
When I first wrote this, I was mad and that anger turned into self-righteousness.  So, I took this post down.  Now after a few days of praying and thinking, I think I can put it back up with my heart right.  I have also been convicted that I very often say things that I don't think through.  I do pray that it now comes across to readers in the right way.  I wanted to write about my job as Davin's mom.  I don't want to bash someone else.  By the way, the person who posted the quote, wrote me a very sweet note and I harbor no bad feelings at all toward that person. 
The quote read something like this...

"Playing for the Giants (or whatever team they were talking about.  I have no clue, really) is kind of like running in the Special Olympics.  Even if you win, you are still retarded."

I read that on facebook and my blood began to boil.  I am not easily offended.  I rarely say something in opposition to what someone else writes or thinks.  But, there are those times, when something just rises up within me and I feel led to speak, to remind, to stand up.  I felt that way.  I wrote a comment....

"I can't begin to tell you how offensive this is to me:-("

I wrote it and I panicked a bit.  Should I keep it there?  Was I stirring up trouble?  There were already quite a few likes on it and also some comments, "YES!" and "AMEN".  I also totally know that the individual who posted this picture and phrase was not intentionally trying to hurt me or my boy (and took it down immediately after seeing my comment, I think).  I know that.  I know some of the people who liked it and I know they were not trying to hurt me.  Maybe I was overreacting.  Maybe my job is not to be the police for all that is unjust concerning people who have mental or physical disabilities. 

I prayed and I pondered.  Maybe that IS my job.  Did I ask to be a Mom of a child with a severe disability?  No.  Did God ordain me to have Davin Bruce and created him exactly the way he is?  Yes!!  That IS my career.  That is my job.  That is my mission.  When I take Davin into the grocery store and he holds my list and we talk together, I am showing the world how "normal" people with disabilities are.  When I take my son into Kohl's and laugh while he tries to grab the bras, I am showing people how "very normal" teenagers are who happen to have disabilities.  People learn.  Maybe only a little, but the people around us are learning from him.  From me. 

Slavery seems pretty distant when I think about how long people in our country have known that that is not right.  Segregation, however, seems very recent.  If no one had said anything in opposition to slavery and then to segregation, would anything have changed?  I think I see it the same.  It is one or more people groups being declared to be lesser than by another people group.  Not. cool.  Not. right.  Not. true.  Just as we all know now that the color of your skin does not define your worth, I KNOW that the level of your intelligence does not define your worth.  We were created in the image of Christ.  THAT defines our worth. 

I think God called me to this as my career.  What is the name of this career?  Not sure.  Is it the best career ever?  Yup. 

Just a Bad Feeling

Davin has had a lot of dental trauma.  We recently were referred to a new dentist who was going to look at him and see if they could give him a new front tooth one way or another.  Our referring dentist (who was a pediatric dentist specializing in special needs kids) told us that from now on, we would be the patient of the new dentist because they would be doing the work on Davin and that wouldn't be right to go there and then come back. 

Well, Davin and I went to his appointment at the new dentist and they didn't understand why we had waited to get the work done (because the last dentist told us to!) and didn't seem to understand what we needed from him.  I explained that Davin needed a dentist:-)  (He does have teeth after all, even if he is missing one.)  At the end of the visit, the dentist declared that Davin was very hesitant about being looked at by a dentist (I was shocked!  LOL) and that we should put him under anesthesia and go in and clean his teeth really good and take x-rays that way.  They called us and gave us an appointment for the end of January. 

I intended to go to this appointment.  Davin does need his teeth cleaned, but from my very first dealings with this new dentist, I didn't have a good feeling.  When Davin went into the waiting room, he was very uneasy and I was not impressed with the people there for some reason.  They were rude or anything.  Just a bad feeling.  Now I was going to let them put my child to sleep in a hospital that I did not know anything about.  The more I thought about calling to set up the pre-admission testing, the less comfortable I was with it. 

Finally today I decided we would find a new dentist and get his teeth cleaned with him wide awake just like we have been doing for his whole life.  No real reason.  Just a bad feeling.

Time Changes Things

When Davin was diagnosed, I was crushed.  I mean literally crushed.  It seemed like my whole entire world was altered forever.  Even when we don't mean to, as parents, we have an idea of what we want the future to be like.  In general, we want our kids to be the smartest, most kindest, and of course, most beautiful people ever.  I pictured the place that Davin would take as the little brother of our Hester clan.  I pictured him running around shortly after he turned one just like his siblings had done. 

When I first found out that Davin had CP, we thought it was mild and that he probably would walk.  That part of it was so important to me.  I even reached a compromise with God.  (Okay, he never agreed to it;-)  I told God that it was okay that Davin was going to do things slower, but I would like him to crawl by a certain time and walk by a certain time.  (I literally did this.)  I gave God extra time.  I felt like I was being fair. 

A friend of mine who knew her daughter would never walk, discussed with me about getting Davin a wheelchair.  I told her that Davin was expected to walk and that I would carry him around as long as I had to so that we would not have to have a wheelchair for him.  At that point, I saw the wheelchair as the enemy - the spoiler of my plans.  If I placed my baby boy in a wheelchair, I was giving up my dream.  I was giving up hope for him. 

This past Thursday, I met with Davin's teacher and therapists to get ready for his IEP meeting in March.  While we were talking about a lot of different aspects of Davin's life, I realized how much I have changed.  My heart has changed.  God has changed me and I have been blessed by allowing Him to do so. 

When I was crushed with the diagnosis, I could not see a fabulous life without walking and talking and Davin doing things for himself.  Almost 19 years later, I see so much more.  Instead of me deciding who Davin was going to be, God decided who he was going to be. 

We discussed what happens after high school for Davin.  Instead of mourning that my boy won't go to college, I can see so many possibilities for him.  As I shared with Davin's teachers some ideas that I have, they jumped on board.  I don't see Davin's limitations so much anymore, even though I know they are there.  I see his strengths.   I know that Davin can go into a day program that is run like his high school program and he can be very happy there.  But, Davin has huge strengths.  He is a people person.  His people skills without language are amazing.  If he goes to a day program, he is receiving and I know he is giving, too, but can he use his gifts elsewhere and give more?  Maybe.  It is exciting to think about.  Maybe God will use Davin and I in some kind of ministry.  Maybe we can give some awareness to churches that they don't have now.  Maybe Davin can be a greeter someplace and make connections there. 

I am so thankful that God changed my heart, but I am also forever grateful that He gave me time.  He knows I like baby steps and He loves me enough to change me just a little bit at a time.  Maybe he didn't agree to my compromise, but He has given me so much more.  Walking?  Not that big of a deal when you have a sweet toxic green wheelchair to ride around in:-)  Touching people's lives like my boy has done?  That is a big deal.

Misunderstood?

Today Alan and I went shopping to get Alan a pair of jeans.  He tried on several and as he came out and showed me one pair, I told him that the girls will really like them!!  After he walked back into the fitting room, I realized that what I said might sound a bit funny to the young men standing nearby me:-)  So, maybe next time, I need to say your daughters will really like them instead!!

Home Study Update

We are still waiting (patiently????) for our case worker to complete her part of the home study.  She needs to get the written home study to us and then we make changes and then we are ready!  From that point, we can start to inquire about sibling groups.  We have one sibling group that we are all very interested in, but we can't ask questions without the complete home study.  Unfortunately, we have been at this exact same point for about 2 months now.  I felt so patient for so long and now I am having a harder time. 

We are talking about our kids out there somewhere waiting for us, their forever family.  It is kind of a big deal.