Friday, June 28, 2013

Crushed

Last Monday was the big day!!!  Davin was heading back to Handi-camp for the third year in a row!  I love this camp!  Davin has the opportunity to go away for five days and four nights and experience so many of the things that his older sisters and brother got to experience when they went to camp.  He goes boating and plays games outside, he learns songs and Bible stories.  I had spent all day Saturday packing everything that he needed and checking off my list.  I wrote a note for his counselor and explained some additional things.  Davin was awake bright and early to head off for a fun week!!

We got to camp and got all registered.  We bought Davin's camp t-shirt for this year.  Davin went to the nurse for her to check him and she thought he looked flushed.  Well, to be honest, it was about 107 degrees in the dining hall, so who wouldn't be flushed?  She decided to take his temperature.  101.2....  What????  The nurse took it again.  Maybe it was a mistake.  Nope.  Davin had a fever. 

The decision was made that Davin could not stay at camp.  Davin at this point was obviously not feeling great.  I kept thinking that I was going to have to try to cram a screaming boy into the car and that my heart might break.  Davin's suitcases were already in his cabin, so we had to wait for them to come.  As different camp staff kept talking to us and telling us that he could come if he was fever free for 24 hours, I just kept thinking that I needed to get out of camp before I lost it!!  Finally Davin's bags came and we hurried into the car with a quick hug from our new counselor friend and we were off. 

I. thought. my. heart. would. break.  I was so sad for my boy.  Maybe what I didn't expect was that I was so. sad. for. me.  Does that make me a bad mom?  Davin wasn't too upset because he really wasn't feeling great at that point.  I could not stop my tears, though.  I had been thinking and thinking about what I would do with my five days.  Would I do something fun?  Would I do house projects?  Alan and I would go out to dinner every night and I would have no schedule.  Davin would be well taken care of at camp and I would not have to worry about feeding anyone or lifting anyone for five days!  I was crushed.  I was sad.  I needed a break. 

We took Davin's temperature constantly for the next day.  Then, we made the decision on Tuesday night that if nothing changed by the morning, we would make the hour long drive on Wednesday morning and Davin could enjoy the rest of camp!  I hadn't even taken Davin's bags our of the car.  He was all set...again.  Davin was pumped on Wednesday morning and feeling better.  I took his temp at 6 am again and all was good.  We drove the hour, brought in our bags, handed the nurse our meds and she took his temp.  It was up again.  Are you kidding me???  Davin was obviously feeling better and the temp was lower.  Maybe it was a virus and was just working its way out.  We made the decision to have Davin stay at camp and see how things went.  Davin was so excited and I drove away as Davin and his counselor walked down the path to go play Frisbee golf.  A couple of days of camp was a lot better than no days at camp!!!

I got home, changed my clothes, went to work and as soon as I got started on my work, I got the phone call from camp.  Davin's temp was back up a bit and he wouldn't drink anything.  If he wouldn't drink, they could not keep him there.  I left work and drove back to camp to pick up my boy.  This time, I was more prepared.  As Davin and I drove away, we were thankful that Davin had a couple of hours at camp.

To be honest, it was not just a hard week, but it has been a hard year.  I have found myself feeling like I need a break and not having much opportunity to have a break.  The Mom in me feels so guilty about this and yet I know that most people are not still feeding and caring for their 20 year-olds the way that I am.  Alan thinks I need someone to come in and help me, but that doesn't feel right, either. 

It is so hard for me to blog when things are not going well.  I tend to wait until the crisis has passed and that is why you haven't heard from me much.  I hate to be a discouragement to anyone and at the same time, others are in the same boat and the truth is that sometimes being a caretaker is hard.  Sometimes you cry.  Sometimes you want a day off and sometimes you feel guilty.  Sometimes your boy doesn't get to go to camp and you have to figure out a way to move on and make a back up plan. 

I am thankful for a husband who is concerned for my well-being as well as Davin's.   I am also thankful for a daughter who is close-by that does give me a break and lets her brother have fun sleepovers at her apartment. 



5 comments:

Mark Dudley said...

Heather- You are the best mom I know and I am so blessed to have watched you grow your relationship with your kids all these years. Thank you for the sacrifices you have made and the Godly example you are to me. You amaze me with the selflessness you seem to exude. You make all the rest of us look bad. Thanks for sharing yourself with all of us in such a personal way. As Liz would say, 'You are the bomdiggity!' -Nan

Christine said...

I'm sorry Heather. Big hugs. Hopefully Davin is feeling better now.

Natasha Jones said...

I've been thinking of you lately. Try not to feel guilty, although I know it's tough, I'm battling same guilt right now!. What we have to remember is that if we're not physically and emotionally healthy, we will break at one point or another. At least that's what I keep telling myself!
Hope Davin feels better now...
Love,
Natasha

Sherri said...

If I don't write this now I may forget! I was thinking of you today. Your respectful honesty (you are always so respectful to Davin) has always been an encouragement to me. Today a fellow CP mom and I shared together those deep down thoughts and frustrations about the times we're in and the times we're in for. I was just wondering how you were doing and how you've dealt with some of the lows. I'll be praying for you as I pray for this other mom too. I'm sorry you and Davin missed camp. I hope you get a break somehow!

Martha said...

I would have been crushed too, partly for my child, but mostly because of all the dreaming I had done about how nice it would be to have a small amount of freedom. (I have this with my mom sometimes... )

You are a wonderful mom, and it is obvious you would do anything for your children. You and Alan are a great example of the love of Christ whether you know it or not.