Thursday, January 08, 2009

Hard Times

There are times in a person's life where things go smoothly. There are also times in a person's life when things just seem hard. I am in a bit of a hard time right now. Maybe that explains my "lack of blogging" lately. Just not too much to share and yet lots and lots to think about. I have a couple of close friends going through some very difficult things. My heart is very heavy for them and God brings them to my mind often so I can pray for them. One of those situations also affects my family and that has weighed heavy on all of us.

I am also feeling a physical burden that I have never faced before. Well, maybe I have, but was slow to admit it. You all know that I am the caretaker (and quite glad to be) of my 16 year-old son Davin. He has brought my life so much joy in these last 16 years, I can not even explain it. Many of you know him and you know that he is a special boy (almost man, I guess?). For all of these years, I have been able to take Davin wherever I went. If I needed milk and bread, I just plopped him in the carseat and went to the store. I whipped the wheelchair out of the car and off we went. Davin went everywhere. I was very capable of giving him his baths and taking total care of him. I like being self-sufficient and I have always liked it this way.

Well, Davin doesn't weigh 20 pounds anymore (thankfully) and his wheelchair is so heavy that every time I put it in the back of my Jeep, I am amazed that it got in there. I am choosing (I can hardly even believe it myself) to not take Davin anywhere I don't need him to go to. Even as I write this, tears come to my eyes. At the end of the day, my body aches. I pick Davin up to put him in his chair, I carry him to his bed, I carry him out to the car....I get tired. I know that Davin has grown a lot in the last couple of years and that has made it difficult for my body to keep up with his growing one. I will catch up once he is not growing as much and I will get used to the weight again, but things won't be the same.

I made a choice when Davin was diagnosed. I chose for his life to be regular. I chose for our family to be regular. I think we have done a good job at that. Most people might not even know that I am struggling. I want Davin to go to the store and everywhere that he wants to go. (He LOVES to go with us everywhere!) I have also made the choice that God gave Davin to me and Alan to care for. We will keep him at our home for the rest of our lives. I know that is not everyone's decision, but it is mine. So, I need to adjust some things. I need to make my body last so that I can take the best care of Davin possible.

This does not overwhelm me everyday, but some days it does. One thing that is changing for us is that Cheney is going to college next year. I can not tell you how much of a help my older kids are to their youngest brother. Not because I ask them, but because they love him and they want him to be with them, too. Next year, I will bear the responsibility of Davin's physical needs alone for the most part. Alan will be here, but he has a pretty demanding job now and is not home until later in the evenings.

I know that this is a difficult transition. I will catch up to Davin's new size and weight. God will continue to sustain me and to sustain Davin even when the other kids are not here to help.


Sherri said...

I have actually thought about you recently on this exact issue. Surprised? Somehow my body is not coping well with Isaac (even though he is just over 20 lbs!). I think I have to learn how to position him and I better so it doesn't take a toll as much. So I have wondered how you have held up so well all these years. Maybe these minor aches I have will remind me to pray for you, and I will.

Kelli said...

I am sorry this is such a hard thing to think about and realize. Sorry, Hugs, I know in a different way but know how you want to take care of your son (like I want to take care of my son) although mine isnt in a wheel chair. I will keep you in my prayers.

Christine said...

Oh Heather, my sweet friend. Big hugs. I know that God will give you the strength. I will pray for that tonight.

Tina said...

Life is indeed hard at times. I am here praying for you.

Martha said...

Yes, life has some very hard moments. I don't really know your other friend but have heard the names so many times through the years, met his youngest daughter a few months back, and ache for their situation too. They are in my prayers.

Knowing you like I do, I understand your struggle to care for Davin from a slightly different perspective. He has always been a part of everything your family does and you have always taken care of his needs. Your friends are blessed by your commitiment. I will keep you in my prayers too. I love you.

Miss Melanie said...

You know this already, I am sure... but if you ask God to help you, He will! He may give you the strength you need to lift Davin each time, He may provide someone to help you, or He may tell you that you don't really need to go where it is you are going. The kicker is, which thing is He going to do, and how will you know it?

I am available to help on Saturdays, and I am sure that my beloved J. would help if needed. I think Davin may be the only person on this earth whom he loves unconditionally, so I'm sure he'd help.