When Davin was diagnosed, I was crushed. I mean literally crushed. It seemed like my whole entire world was altered forever. Even when we don't mean to, as parents, we have an idea of what we want the future to be like. In general, we want our kids to be the smartest, most kindest, and of course, most beautiful people ever. I pictured the place that Davin would take as the little brother of our Hester clan. I pictured him running around shortly after he turned one just like his siblings had done.
When I first found out that Davin had CP, we thought it was mild and that he probably would walk. That part of it was so important to me. I even reached a compromise with God. (Okay, he never agreed to it;-) I told God that it was okay that Davin was going to do things slower, but I would like him to crawl by a certain time and walk by a certain time. (I literally did this.) I gave God extra time. I felt like I was being fair.
A friend of mine who knew her daughter would never walk, discussed with me about getting Davin a wheelchair. I told her that Davin was expected to walk and that I would carry him around as long as I had to so that we would not have to have a wheelchair for him. At that point, I saw the wheelchair as the enemy - the spoiler of my plans. If I placed my baby boy in a wheelchair, I was giving up my dream. I was giving up hope for him.
This past Thursday, I met with Davin's teacher and therapists to get ready for his IEP meeting in March. While we were talking about a lot of different aspects of Davin's life, I realized how much I have changed. My heart has changed. God has changed me and I have been blessed by allowing Him to do so.
When I was crushed with the diagnosis, I could not see a fabulous life without walking and talking and Davin doing things for himself. Almost 19 years later, I see so much more. Instead of me deciding who Davin was going to be, God decided who he was going to be.
We discussed what happens after high school for Davin. Instead of mourning that my boy won't go to college, I can see so many possibilities for him. As I shared with Davin's teachers some ideas that I have, they jumped on board. I don't see Davin's limitations so much anymore, even though I know they are there. I see his strengths. I know that Davin can go into a day program that is run like his high school program and he can be very happy there. But, Davin has huge strengths. He is a people person. His people skills without language are amazing. If he goes to a day program, he is receiving and I know he is giving, too, but can he use his gifts elsewhere and give more? Maybe. It is exciting to think about. Maybe God will use Davin and I in some kind of ministry. Maybe we can give some awareness to churches that they don't have now. Maybe Davin can be a greeter someplace and make connections there.
I am so thankful that God changed my heart, but I am also forever grateful that He gave me time. He knows I like baby steps and He loves me enough to change me just a little bit at a time. Maybe he didn't agree to my compromise, but He has given me so much more. Walking? Not that big of a deal when you have a sweet toxic green wheelchair to ride around in:-) Touching people's lives like my boy has done? That is a big deal.