My mind has been so focused, so bogged down with Davin's feeding issues for such a long time. Maybe I didn't realize how much it had consumed our lives. I was in a battle. It was me against Davin sometimes and other times, it felt like it was Davin and I against the world. I begged and begged and pleaded and reasoned with God to restore Davin's eating. Make him enjoy eating again. Give back what was taken away. I listened to a song talking about God restoring. In the end, He did not choose to restore Davin's eating to what it was. He chose to change our lives.
It felt unfair. We had put SO very much into this fight. Didn't it count for something that we tried so hard and for so long?
Along with praying for such huge things in my life, I am also one to pray for things that others might consider silly prayer requests....
I dislike merging into traffic. Isn't that weird? I know. It is not that I don't like ever merging into traffic, but there are those spots where you know you almost always are merging into a ton of traffic and that makes me anxious. Not over the top anxious or anything, but it is certainly something I think about and talk to God about.
As I was driving home from the hospital on Monday night (at rush hour), I came to a spot where I knew there would be a bunch of traffic and I was going to have to merge. I tried to think of a different route to take, but it seemed like any other route took us way out of the way and I was anxious to get Davin home. I decided to go the way of the traffic, but I started praying. I started by asking for my normal request. Please give me enough space to merge. No, God, this time I need a huge space. Please give me a huge space so I don't have to worry about getting into the traffic. I was tired from lack of sleep. I was discouraged by all that had been taken from us in the past week. Please just give me a huge space to merge into the traffic. I felt like I was asking for a lot. It was rush hour.
We got around the bend and I looked to my left and there was not. one. single. car. I had a huge space to merge onto the road that would lead me home. I thanked God. Tears started to fill my eyes. I told God that He really does care about the details of my life even when it maybe hasn't felt like it.
Then, I felt it.....
He whispered to my heart.....
"I did it for you."
That is when I knew that this resolution to Davin's feeding is not just for Davin. God knew my struggle, my worry, my panic, my pain. He did it for me, too. He wanted to take the burden away and let Davin and I enjoy things together again. He. did. it. for. me.
It is still hard for me to even accept that. I want to scream, "But, I didn't want you to do that!! I wanted you to heal him. Make him able to eat regular food again!!" But God....knowing what I need better than I know what I need, chose to prepare my boy mentally for this change. Prepare him so much that the first time the nurse hooked his tube up, he was squealing because he was so excited to get to eat. That does a mama's heart good to see her boy excited to eat. Even if he is excited about eating a different way.
I am humbled by God's words to me. I was so busy fighting and mourning that He needed to give me a huge spot to merge into traffic so I would pay attention to His voice.