My Thoughts on Mary

I have been thinking about Mary as I often do at this time of year. You know the Mary that I am writing about. The mother of Jesus. She started out as just an ordinary teenager and was given the huge task of raising God's son!

I think about her at this time of year because we had a couple of things in common. We were both told that we were going to be teenage mothers. We both felt the shame and embarassment of our situations. We both had to deal with the looks and glares of others. We both did not know how we were going to get through to the other end of the situation we found ourselves in, but we knew the one who was going to get us there.

Of course, we had some differences. My teenage pregnancy was due to my own disobedience and sin. Mary's was because God had found favor in her. She was chosen to carry the precious gift that would be the Savior of the world.

Even though we can think about so many wonderful things about Mary's job of carrying the Son of God, I believe Mary still dealt with the human things that I dealt with, too. When she dealt with them, though, they were unjustified. She had done no wrong. I had and maybe deserved every look, unkind word and whisper. Mary had not only done nothing wrong, but she had done something right to be so honored. But, did people really know that? Did they really believe it? When Mary saw other girls that she had grown up with on the streets, did they not whisper about her? Did they not ignore her or talk badly about her? When Mary's grandmother came over after finding out that Mary was with child, did her grandmother have the look of shame in her eyes as she looked at her granddaughter? What did Joseph's family think of the Mary that was engaged to their precious son? Did they believe that an angel had let her know that she would carry God's son even though she was still a virgin?

I am thankful for where my life has taken me for so many reasons. One reason is that maybe I can know just a little bit of what Mary went through in those first few months as she wrestled with her own fears and concerns while trying to keep her eyes on the goal.

My Job Got Personal

I work very part-time for my brother-in-law. I help with the filing at his law firm. I go in whenever my schedule permits and I enjoy the people I work with. They always make me feel like I am doing them a huge favor by coming in and filing!

Today I was at work filing just like I usually do. I happened upon a document called a "Final Decree". I read part of it as I was trying to figure out how to file it. As I read, I realized this document had more meaning for me than I had known.

Alan and I were told that before Davin turns 18, we must become Davin's legal guardians. I had no idea this was something we had to do. Wouldn't we just continue caring for Davin like always because he is our son? Apparently, when someone is 18, they are an adult. If they are not able to make decisions about their care, etc, they need a guardian. We have been discussing this with my brother-in-law and as an attorney, he is going to help us do this in the next couple of weeks. I guess I had not thought too much about the legal aspect of this. I just thought it would be a judge seeing that we love our son and want to take care of him for the rest of our lives.

Well, as I read the document, the words that they used to describe this person.....it brought tears to my eyes. The document talks about how this person can not make decisions for themselves and it all sounded so hopeless. So, I am guessing that Davin's document will not say, "Davin is an 17 year-old young man who is loved and adored and needs his family's input to make decisions." I wish it was going to say that, but the words I read today, cut through me like a knife. The court was going to talk about my son that same way.

To tell the truth, this has been happening for Davin's whole life. I have received tons of papers that described what Davin can't do. Reading any of those papers would discourage me so much, especially in the beginning. However, as I got used to "the drill", I started getting the papers in the mail and tucking them away where I had them if I needed them, but I didn't have to give them the power to define who my boy was or was not. Davin is not just words on a paper. He is my son, a brother to three siblings who adore him, a grandson who lights up when he sees his grandparents, especially his grandfathers:) Davin gives so much and does not have speech. How much smarter is he than me to be able to communicate with so little??

I think the day we go through the court proceedings will be rough. We have been through rough days before. We have heard devastating news before. To quote my husband from the day that our son was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, "Heather, is he any different than he was yesterday?" I will remember those words on that day, too.

He Said Yes and then She Said Yes

After a very rough few months, it was time for some good news! Two weeks ago, we had a nice young man come to our house and ask to sit down and talk with Alan and I. He came to ask if Alan would give permission for him to ask Bethany to be his wife. (Wow, just to write those words is a little odd still!) After much discussion......many questions.....some requirements...Alan said yes. Alan told Jeff that he was free to ask Bethany.

So, Alan asked Jeff when he was thinking about asking Bethany. Jeff had the ring with him. At first, Jeff was thinking of doing it in the future, maybe sooner, okay, how about right then?? In the end, he went and took Bethany to a local park and pretended that the talk did not go well. Finally, he could not wait any longer and got down on his knee and asked Bethany Alyssa to marry him. SHE SAID YES!!!!

I Did the Easy Thing

Beginning a few weeks ago, Alan began working in Rochester, NY during the weeks. He comes home on the weekends for now. Eventually we will move up with him, but are waiting to see how some things shake down before deciding when that will be. I have been adjusting to not having him here to help me. Lots of times the evenings feel like another work day. I know all of the things I have to do for Davin and I just go through and check things off one by one. Somehow it just makes such a big difference knowing that Alan is not here to give Davin a bath or help me with carrying him. I have done the parenting thing by myself many times before, but I had all of my kids here and even though that caused more chaos, too, they were very helpful to me and their brother, too.

Since Alan has been gone, cooking has not been my strong suit. I have had grilled cheese more times than I can remember and I have also had bread and butter for dinner a couple of times. It just seems that by the time I make Davin's dinner (he doesn't generally eat the same things that I do) and get him fed, bathed, stretched, homework done, etc., I just don't feel like cooking. Not to mention, it is so weird to cook for one or two people.

Bethany is still here, but is generally not home at dinner time. She works evenings at Target and doesn't get home until after midnight now. She has come in and whispered to me asking what we had for dinner and I have had to tell her that I had bread and butter or grilled cheese!

A couple of nights ago, before Awana, I had made a big ceasar salad. No chicken in it. Just salad with bacon (which Bethany doesn't like). It seemed a good idea at the time. We were sitting at the table when Bethany asked me when the last time was that I made dinner. She said it was so discouraging when she would work all night and come home to find that there were no leftovers of any kind. Remember that I have not been cooking at all, so there are not any leftovers at all! I told Bethany to please realize how different things are for me without Dad here. This is the part where I realized I had really dropped the ball.....she reminded me that this had been finals week (which of course, I knew). She had not had a decent meal for all of her finals week. This may not seem horrible at first, until....I thought about what I had done just a couple of weeks before.

Cheney's college had sent home papers telling parents that we could order fruit baskets for our college students. The baskets would be delivered to them the Saturday before finals week and would be an encouragement to them as they begin their finals. This is not something odd for colleges. Bethany's college did the same thing, but I had never been able to afford to do this before this year, so Cheney will be the benefactor of the fruit basket. I was so excited as I was writing the check and sending it off to Wheaton. I imagined how excited Cheney would be and how he would have those snacks in his room while he was studying. I felt badly for the years that I wasn't able to do it for my girls.

However, I did not take advantage of the fact that this year I had the college student living with me and could encourage her myself!!! I had her living right here at home and could have made her meals and made sure she had snacks. What was I thinking? Instead, I was only worried about if Bethany will pass her class that she is nervous about and what it will mean if she doesn't. I dropped the ball. Not my finest moment as a mom. I did the easy thing. I wrote a check and sent it. I didn't take the time to invest in my college student who was right under my nose. In fact, I discouraged her. How disappointing to come home after working a long night and have to make peanut butter and jelly every night.

So, I guess I need to spend more time looking for the harder thing to do. Instead of thinking about how difficult my situation is and focusing on that, I need to look to meeting the needs of others. I do hope the lesson has been learned for me. Thankfully she has one more class to take in January.....

Finally

I finally got some motivation and had a very productive day today. My dear friend Tina, encouraged me that maybe this is a time of rest for me. I can embrace that thought, but it is unfortunate that it happens to coincide with the time that Alan has been without a job. Therefore, every day that I am here just hanging out and reading or watching Little House on the Prairie, Alan is watching me and I am pretty sure he has decided that this is what I have always done. He just wasn't usually home to watch me:) So, today, I finally got up and got lots of stuff done. Dinner was in the crock pot by 10 am, I whipped up a batch of sugar cookies and they are even iced and sprinkled already. We did some cleaning, laundry and all of that good stuff. Davin also got fed two times already. There have been some Saturdays when I suddenly realized that I had forgotten to feed Davin lunch! But, not today:)

Therapy is over now for Davin, so Monday will be the start of a "regular" week. Davin will go back to school and I will go back to work. Also, Alan's job search has been fruitful lately. He has a good potential job and is traveling next Monday to see the new office. It sounds like they would like him to come work for him, if he thinks he can stand doing the job. Alan seems up for the challenge. At this point, it sounds like the job would potentially move our family, but maybe for just one or two years and then we would come back to NJ. For now, our game plan (provided they really do offer the job to Alan) is for Alan to move up to Rochester, NY for approximately 8 weeks and see what he thinks of the office, etc. At that point, we would decide if we would move up there or Alan would just work there for a time and we would stay here. A short-term move (as we have done when the kids were little) is not so easy now. There are many services, etc, to set up for Davin and we will just have to be prayerful about what is best for Davin and for our family. Bethany has decided that even if we move, she will stay here and probably stay with family or stay in our house here. So much to pray about. God just keeps telling me to stay on my knees!

An Encouragement

Davin is in therapy presently. Therapy means driving for an hour each way and then sitting and helping while Davin does three and a half hours of therapy each day. He goes Monday through Friday. This time it is for two weeks. This is our second week. Davin is doing awesome. I think if someone asked me to work out for that long (and it is without a break unless his hands are getting purple or something and we need to give him a couple of minutes;), I would just collapse or certainly whine quite a bit. Davin does it like a trooper. I am always amazed at him. He loves his therapists and we have certainly gotten to know each other over the years that we have spent going to this therapy. God has been so gracious to provide the funds for him to receive this therapy and I am happy to take him.

One of the highlights of our weeks at the Rehab Center is seeing another girl who has CP and her mom. During my almost 17 years now (Yikes!) of having a disabled child, I have not had many friends who also have disabled children. I am not sure why, but I have not. My friends have certainly been a huge support for me and have loved Davin very much. However, getting to spend some time with another mom who deals with the same issues is just a blessing of a different kind. Anyone who has a child can relate to parenting issues, but I have always thought that the world that you walk into when you have a disabled child is just that, a bit of a different world. There are different rules, different timelines and certainly many, many, many more people interested in giving your opinion about how to best take care of your child. That in itself brings a whole different aspect to parenting. If I disagree with the professional (as I presently am on one issue), are they going to report me to Child Protective Services?

It made a good day at therapy just a little bit brighter getting to see this "therapy friend". I love the way the Lord provides what we need just when we need it.

Where Have I Been?

For those of you who have not totally given up on me, thank you. I have not been around. I have not blogged in months, nor have I even checked in for quite a while. This summer has been rough. There have been challenges that have been big. I have been driven to my knees multiple times. I have found that is where God wants me. He wants me reaching for His Word like my life depends on it. He wants constant communication with Him. It is a good place to be. There are still many challenges and they can not be shared in detail on here. I will have to think of another way to share on my blog. Maybe share more about having a child with a disability or maybe share more about the stage of life where your children are leaving the nest. We will see.

I will tell you about one HUGE change in our house. Cheney Alan is at college now. He left in the middle of August and that has been a huge adjustment for everyone. Our house is so quiet, it is hard to take. We find ourselves wondering what in the world to do with our time. Frankly, I sit around a lot. I can not seem to get out of this speed. I used to have so much to do, I rarely had time to take a break. Now it is hard to get motivated because I have such a slow schedule. I am working more and that is good. I know I will get used to the slow schedule and will take on more projects, but probably not today:)

Class of 2009

On Friday night, Cheney Alan Scott walked across the platform and received his high school diploma. It was a big day and a wonderful day. Cheney, we are so proud of you!

Two Kids, 8 Wisdom Teeth and Lots of Ice

This past week has been all about wisdom teeth. Last Wednesday, Cheney had his four wisdom teeth taken out. Bethany followed him five days later and had hers removed yesterday. My couch has been full of one Hester or another with a bag of ice held to one side or the other of their face for almost a week now. I am so thankful that I have a flexible boss and can be home with the kids while they are recovering. Even though they are pretty grown up, I know they appreciate having me nearby to get them new ice or find them something to try to eat.

Happenings at the Hester House

Time is marching on awfully fast lately. In the last month, Cheney has been to South Africa and back, been to Orlando for his senior class trip, gone to his senior formal and Davin has completed three weeks of intensive physical therapy. All of the events were exciting in lots of different ways. Cheney's trip to South Africa seemed incredible. What an experience! He was able to share with some people, bond with a boy at an orphanage, and visit a gaming reservation. Davin's three weeks of PT was amazing! I keep waiting for him to stop progressing since he is older now. This time amazed me and amazed his therapists. It is hard to describe it to you because he did not start walking or talking or anything like that, but my boy was putting different things that he has learned to do over the years together. He was deciding to do things without being asked to do them I(and let's face it, sometimes begging...). Davin was keeping himself in a hands and knees position and then keeping his balance to stand up on his knees. Wow! Davin really didn't have balance just a few years ago. He is pretty awesome. I think Davin has a different work ethic now that he is older and that has helped him, too. We are no longer begging him with games, etc, but he is just doing what he needs to do. Cheney's formal was very exciting, too. Davin made the final decision concerning Cheney's tux and it was fun to help him get ready to go.

Okay, the big news coming up is that Cheney has decided where he is going to college!!!!!!!! I can not tell you what a struggle this has been. Should he go far, should he stay, and on and on. We were waiting on the financial info for one more school (his top choice) and when that finally came back after quite a bit of time, it seemed clear what God had for Cheney for the fall. The sad part is that in August, we will be driving our son to Illinois and dropping him off. He will be attending Wheaton College. The good news is that Bethany has moved back home and will be living here from now on since she will be doing her four day placement next semester and it is local. So, I am trading one for one!

The other big news in our house is that my Bethany is bringing home a boy for us to meet on Thursday night. Okay, I guess you have to call someone who is 25 a man:) Anyway, Bethany has not been one to date. She has always known what she is looking for and was pretty quick to rule a guy out. It seems that this guy is a bit different and it has been fun to hear her talk about him. Since she has never been boy-crazy as a teenager and has waited so patiently, we have never heard her talk about someone like this. Fun stuff. Of course, Alan is waiting to see what he thinks when he meets him. He also let Bethany know that if he doesn't approve, the deal is off. You have to love having a Dad who cares:)

As we go through all of these exciting things, I am reminded of two families who have had their lives turned upside down. I continue to pray for Brett and Paige and all they have before them.

Mom, can you?.......

My kids have often times called me and asked, "Mom, can you.....?". Lots of times it involved making some kind of food for something at school. Today Cheney called me after school and asked if I could make tacos for his Spanish IV class for tomorrow. My mind started running. Would chips and salsa be what he had in mind? I considered sending that with him and he wouldn't have complained, but instead thought through what I had in my house and came up with most of the fixings for chicken quesadillas. (Sorry, I am pretty sure I am spelling that wrong.) I had Cheney call a couple friends to see if they could fill in the empty spots for me. We got our part done and it's all packed up and ready to go for tomorrow.

Every time I do something for Cheney this year with school, I think about how his school years are almost over. I am so thankful for every time that my kids called and asked, "Mom, can you....?" I'm glad they knew I would do it. I'm glad they knew they could feel free to ask me. I will truly miss those phone calls or questions after school. Davin can not ask me and in his classrooms, there are usually so many adults, they do all of the stuff like that.

South Africa

Okay, I must have had something wrong when I typed the blog address last time. The team has arrived safe and sound and will keep us updated through the blog. Here is the address:) http://tkcssa09.blogspot.com Please let me know if that doesn't work. And, yes, Martha, wouldn't it be cool if Chey and Nate one day met up on the mission field?

This has been a super busy week with getting Cheney ready, having the Awana Grand Prix, having a Duffers for Davin meeting, and trying to get some work done, too. Now Bethany is home for Easter weekend and we are with just our blond kids. Since they are our pretty quiet ones, it is pretty quiet around here. The only time it gets kind of loud is when Bethany makes Davin mad and he screams at her. You all know Davin is non-verbal and he is pretty easy-going for the most part. However, lately, there are a couple of things that Bethany does, that make him scream and I mean SCREAM! The first thing is if she takes his yogurt. I will get out two yogurts for him and while I was feeding him his first one, Bethany wanted to take the other one and have some. Davin was not going for that. Bethany did not think he should be so greedy, but in all fairness, she had tacos and he knows he can not eat those. He only had those two yogurts. I might be a little stingy about that, too. Yesterday, Davin brought home a big bag of candy that his bus driver gave him. Well, Bethany decided to get into that just to get a reaction and it worked. Davin screamed again, although I don't think he was as angry as the whole yogurt thing. Besides, he can share his candy. Different thing altogether. It is funny to see him figure out new ways to get his point across and I think it's very smart of him.

What Have I Been Up To?

Cheney's senior year is flying by! Tomorrow morning he leaves with his choir for a competition in Washington, D.C. Then, on Wednesday, he heads to South Africa with a team from his school. They are going on a missions trip and I am so excited for him to have this opportunity. He will be gone until the 20th. Our house will be quiet, but my prayeris that Cheney's life will be forever changed by this trip. I think getting so far out of your comfort zone and putting your faith into practical practice can do a great work in your life. I am excited for him to go and excited for him to be able to come home and hear all that he has experienced. If you want to follow their trip, you can go to tkcssa.blogspot.com. Cheney worked hard on the website, so check it out.

I know the next few days will be busy as we prepare for him to leave. I see one more Target run in our future to get the few last items on our list. Then, the rest is out of my hands, but I guess it always was anyway.

Heavy Week

I have been so amazed by a couple of my friends particularly this week. I have watched two friends walk through trials that are beyond difficult..beyond painful...trials that there are not words to describe. Yet in the midst of these two trials, I have watched two women who love God cling to their Savior in the midst of the toughest of storms. I have been so ministered to by them in the midst of their trials. Amazing. They are amazing women, but I think they would both say that they serve an amazing God. He has given them strength that I just don't think is humanly possible. It has been my honor to pray for these two dear friends and their precious children.

"Empty Nest", he says....

Cheney and Alan are out in Wheaton, IL looking at Wheaton College. Cheney has ditched his Dad tonight to stay in one of the dorms. We both agree this is a good thing for Cheney and if Alan didn't feel good about it, he would not have left him there. So, Alan had dropped Cheney off and was driving back to the hotel alone and we were talking on the phone. Alan told me that dropping him off there is kind of the start of an empty nest for him. I asked why and he explained that Cheney going to college will really mark the end of part of our life. HELLO!!!!! Is that not what I had been saying and coming to terms with for the last several or many months???? What a funny guy he is. I guess he just needed to realize that on his own while spending the weekend with his boy who working towards being all the way grown. Big Sigh!!

God has given me such peace about Cheney and Alan doing this college visit together. I don't miss much in my kids' lives and when I do it is usually kicking and screaming. Now through in there that it is his birthday and I wondered how I was going to make it. But, God is good and this is the weekend it was supposed to be. God gave Alan and Cheney the chance to do this together and even set up all kinds of details that show we have a God who cares about the smallest details.

Happy Birthday Cheney Boy!

Today is Cheney Alan's 18th birthday! Wow, how in the world did we get all the way to here? Anyway, instead of him being home and us having a family dinner together, he and Alan are away in Wheaton, IL visiting Wheaton College. Selfishly, I would rather have him here with me. In the beginning stages of planning the trip, Davin and I were going along, too. As things worked out, just Alan and Cheney ended up going and will have a father-son weekend until Sunday. In spite of my selfishness, I can see that this is a great opportunity for the two of them to spend time together. Happy Birthday Cheney. I miss you and love you!

Cheney has grown so much and it truly is amazing to look way up into the eyes of this boy who once looked up into mine. I am really proud of the man that he has turned into. I don't think there was ever a time in Cheney's life where he was not happy and proud to be told how much like his Dad he was. I have always thought his Dad was a pretty good person for Cheney to want to be like. You all know I have gushed before over what an incredible brother Cheney is to Davin. They are so adorable to watch. I know that Cheney still has growing to do, as we all do. I can't wait to see what God has in store for him.

Cheney is on the left in the above photo. Standing next to him are two of Martha's boys - Josiah and Nathan. Aren't they adorable?

Talking and Listening

I love talking with my kids. They are pretty much adults now and our conversations are much different than they used to be. This past week has given us quite a few opportunities to talk about some really serious topics. It was so interesting to listen to their views and discuss things. Sometimes their views are not the same as mine, but I have really appreciated listening to how they came to their conclusions and where God has brought them. They are thinking, they are learning, they are growing. I sure do miss those early days of conversations, but I really am appreciating the conversations that we can share now.

So Blessed

I was fixing (that is from you, Tina) to write a comment on my last post, but realized I would rather write another entry instead.

Thank you to my friends who commented already on my last post. For all of Davin's life, I have realized that I am being watched. Not by the CIA, well, at least I hope not. But, by other people. All the time. I bet Sherri can relate to this. I bet Kelli can relate, too. We have children who are different. People can tell they are different by looking at them and so they watch us. They may not know someone with a serious disability and the way they learn about them is by watching me in the grocery store with my son. They watch me talk to him. They watch me pull his wheelchair from the side, so I am not walking behind him, but beside him. They watch how I explain things to him, although they may not think he can understand. I am constantly aware that I am an advocate for people with disabilities even though I have never signed up to be.

With each of my children came different challenges and I was ready and prepared to meet each one of them. My challenges with Davin are a bit different. That involves responding to people's looks and questions. I don't always like this part of my job, but it is part of my job. Like it or not. My hope is that when people watch me or one of my family members with Davin, they don't see a lack of anything. They see an abundance of many things. They don't see a chair. They see a boy. They see a huge personality and someone who likes to get into some trouble;)

That is why yesterday's post was so difficult for me. I don't always want people to see the harder side of my life. I don't want anyone to think that having Davin was less of a thrill than having their child who is "normal". (I REALLY hate that wording) I want them to know that Davin has so much to offer and that it is my privilege to care for him. I guess with Davin, I have to work a bit harder to have people see that sometimes, so I try not to complain and talk about the bad side as much.

However, there are hard things about having a child who is non-ambulatory. I don't like to admit it, but it is true. Maybe it is good to talk about it sometimes, especially with the people in my life that already see Davin for who he is. I didn't have to convince any of you:)

Hard Times

There are times in a person's life where things go smoothly. There are also times in a person's life when things just seem hard. I am in a bit of a hard time right now. Maybe that explains my "lack of blogging" lately. Just not too much to share and yet lots and lots to think about. I have a couple of close friends going through some very difficult things. My heart is very heavy for them and God brings them to my mind often so I can pray for them. One of those situations also affects my family and that has weighed heavy on all of us.

I am also feeling a physical burden that I have never faced before. Well, maybe I have, but was slow to admit it. You all know that I am the caretaker (and quite glad to be) of my 16 year-old son Davin. He has brought my life so much joy in these last 16 years, I can not even explain it. Many of you know him and you know that he is a special boy (almost man, I guess?). For all of these years, I have been able to take Davin wherever I went. If I needed milk and bread, I just plopped him in the carseat and went to the store. I whipped the wheelchair out of the car and off we went. Davin went everywhere. I was very capable of giving him his baths and taking total care of him. I like being self-sufficient and I have always liked it this way.

Well, Davin doesn't weigh 20 pounds anymore (thankfully) and his wheelchair is so heavy that every time I put it in the back of my Jeep, I am amazed that it got in there. I am choosing (I can hardly even believe it myself) to not take Davin anywhere I don't need him to go to. Even as I write this, tears come to my eyes. At the end of the day, my body aches. I pick Davin up to put him in his chair, I carry him to his bed, I carry him out to the car....I get tired. I know that Davin has grown a lot in the last couple of years and that has made it difficult for my body to keep up with his growing one. I will catch up once he is not growing as much and I will get used to the weight again, but things won't be the same.

I made a choice when Davin was diagnosed. I chose for his life to be regular. I chose for our family to be regular. I think we have done a good job at that. Most people might not even know that I am struggling. I want Davin to go to the store and everywhere that he wants to go. (He LOVES to go with us everywhere!) I have also made the choice that God gave Davin to me and Alan to care for. We will keep him at our home for the rest of our lives. I know that is not everyone's decision, but it is mine. So, I need to adjust some things. I need to make my body last so that I can take the best care of Davin possible.

This does not overwhelm me everyday, but some days it does. One thing that is changing for us is that Cheney is going to college next year. I can not tell you how much of a help my older kids are to their youngest brother. Not because I ask them, but because they love him and they want him to be with them, too. Next year, I will bear the responsibility of Davin's physical needs alone for the most part. Alan will be here, but he has a pretty demanding job now and is not home until later in the evenings.

I know that this is a difficult transition. I will catch up to Davin's new size and weight. God will continue to sustain me and to sustain Davin even when the other kids are not here to help.